LEND ME YOUR EAR: IF NOTHING WORKS BETTER, THEN LET NOTHING DO THE WORK

Unusual words and questionable usage go hand in hand. A networker recently announced that Dr. Kevorkian has "just assisted in a 20-tooth suicide." Granted that "20-tooth" for "20-second" is an unusual creation, questionable usage is the front runner in the examples noted within the past month or so.

An NBC networker, discussing presidential candidates for 1996, reported: "After laying low for weeks, John McCain has announced that he might be tempted to run." The announcer was guilty of laying a grammatical egg, but presidential candidates -- bar none -- always look upward toward the pie in the sky.

A speaker-writer who sponsored and judged a writing contest introduced the winner to TV watchers with "I don't know who's more excited -- him or me." Him should have awarded heself the booby prize.

During our seemingly-interminable heat wave, a sportscaster allowed it was "too hot for baseball players to play, so they made a quickly get-out." At times I wonder why I don't make a quickly get-out with these efforts, but the thought vanishes in a trice. A lifetime of using a pencil as I read is a habit hard to break, and I can no longer read anything or listen to an airborne speaker without a pencil at the ready.

When a convocation was held to discuss the need for our schools to include traditional values along with academic basics, one member of the group, scanning suggestions submitted by a committee, protested: "You need a master's degree to kind of analyze this whole page!"

How do we "kind of analyze" anything? "Kind of" implies a haphazard manner, and much of what passes for schooling today has given us more than enough of half-measure standards.

On a radio broadcast, a staff member presented the initial data covering an organization's plans for the season. "This meeting includes with lunch," he explained. Did he mean "concludes"? If not, what was "with" doing between "includes" and "lunch"? Eating breakfast?

His eager co-worker continued: "It tells about they are going to put on a play!" Dear lady, "about" is a preposition, not a conjunction, and this non-connective should have been omitted, or else changed to "that."

Unaware of her gaffe, the newswoman summarized the broadcast with "This is where it's at." As most of us oldsters knew by age eight, "where it's at" has always been "just before the at" -- even if geography was not the issue.

A speaker for a cosmetics firm has informed us over TV that soybean oil has "a well fragrance." Surely that fragrance is not sick or ailing, but the graphic photo of a model applying the oil rendered some viewers so sick they demanded a recall. So far no one has questioned the term "exponient," but "exposient" would have been a more suitable coinage. The word wanted is "exponent."

In a write-up about our problem with Russia over the nuclear arms race, a columnist wrote: "Both sides are not in agreement." Few knowledgeable writers or speakers seem to understand that this construction is misleading. "Neither side will give an inch" makes the meaning clear instantly, and never mind our ending with a cliche.

Pat Sajak of Wheel of Fortune fame has abandoned his efforts to teach grammar to contestants who ask "Can I buy a `e'?" He may have slipped a tad when an elderly gentleman told him he had "a lot of kids and grandkids." "Be more general," the beloved moderator prodded gently, doubtlessly meaning "Be more specific." But Pat Sajak has a great sense of humor and I daresay he meant only to tease. The gentleman smiled, and so did we.

A sense of humor is an asset in any endeavor, and certain expressions in common parlance invite chuckles if not howls of laughter. Often, a commercial will tickle the funny bone even if the product advertised is as serious as over-the-counter medication. I swear by Advil, but every time I hear "Nothing works better than Advil," I wonder why I should take Anything if Nothing works better.

Why not let Nothing do the work, and save the price of purchase? Because doctors are forever telling us to take something, and their most terrifying tools are also wired against theft?

~Aileen Lorberg is a language columnist for the Southeast Missourian.