LEND ME YOUR EAR: ENGLISH SPARKS LAUGHTER BOTH AT HOME AND ABROAD

Although English is the most important language in the civilized world, the intricacies facing foreign translators give us more chuckles than we grant of our own. Yet the interpretations committed by populations other than Americans are scarcely more divergent than ours.

First, to share some goodies noted by American travelers abroad, we have lifted a few choice morsels that appeared in the July issue of Union Planters-Capitol Bank of Cape Girardeau.

IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS SHOP: Drop your trousers here for best results.

OUTSIDE A HONG KONG DRESS SHOP: Ladies have fits upstairs.

IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We send your bags in all directions.

IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

So how do our own efforts measure up? In a New York City suburban newspaper, a headline reads: BOY SCOUTS ASK MEMBER TAKE LONG HIKE ON BIKE BEFORE BREAKFAST. Does this suggest the Scouts don't want the boy in their troop, or are they merely urging him to wear himself out on his bike before tackling the other little monsters on the playground?

On a broadcast plugging videos as a primary educational tool, the TV anchor used "viduity" to headline the topic. Our dictionaries define "viduity" as an old-fashioned term for widowhood. Was the company recommending videos for husbands who wish to make widows of their marriage partners? Or did the anchor or writer of the commercial believe he had planted a lily to attract the attention of the truly desperate?

From a publication a distant friend has relayed our way, we learned that a U.S. governor who lost out in our 1992 presidential election because of his ceaseless "vergiberation" was at it again. To "vergiberate" means to repeat the same answers to the same problems confronting others involved. A TV announcer, offering the same reason for not voting for another tautalogical candidate in 1996, decried this obnoxious habit as "vergimania." What would a foreign translator or an American unfamiliar with the term make of this coinage? A mania for virgins?

A U.S. major pictured in a recent TV documentary demonstrates how difficult it is for him to kiss his wife goodbye every time he has been home on leave. Try this exhibition on a translator who has his thoughts on the alleged exploits of American military across the seas: MAJOR IN U.S. ARMY REFUSE SERVICE WIFE AFTER KISSING OVERSEAS?

During our recent Independence Day holiday, my cousin Susan and husband Jay Skinner, of Dallas, delivered a lengthy list of mind-tickling headlines a St. Louis cousin has collected from newspapers. Let me forward some of David Fiedler's remarkable discoveries for receptive readers:

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.

Stolen Painting Found by Tree.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case.

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.

Chef Throws His Heart into Feeding Needy.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Die.

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction.

Doubtful taste -- and failure to ask permission to use -- prevent our sharing others. But even the salutation was written in a form more advanced than mine:

Subject: Fwd: humor [fwd] (fwd)

Date: Fri 28 Jun 1996 19:34: 48:-0400

From: Len 920 @ aol.com

To jlorberg @ mo.net

After some moments of eye-straining study, I gathered that this first cousin thrice-removed had sent the list separately to his parents, Leonard and Janet Lorberg Fiedler of St. Louis.

Indulgent readers, trust me to return to English as we know it before our nation's schools are back in session for the year.

~Aileen Lorberg is a language columnist for the Southeast Missourian.