LEND ME YOUR EAR: CHILDREN ABUZZ WITH LOVE AND `THE HOLY MATCHAMONY'

In the current issue of U.S. News & World Report, Gerald Parshall presents 20 buzz words that will shape our language in 1996. First on his list is The Anxious Class, coined by Secretary of Labor Robert Reich. This expression refers to America's middle class as well as the Clinton Administration. In our opinion, the whole world is anxious, but our opinion has not been solicited. Fancy that!

Mouse Potato and World Wide Web are also high on Parshall's list. As alert readers know, a Mouse Potato is a computer addict. World Wide Web is that portion of the Internet used by addicts to collect information. In the same category is Webmaster, denoting a manager of any of 100,000 sites on the Web. The Internet is not necessary for us; our dictionaries and encyclopedias of language contain more information than we can ever master.

Netspeak, not to be confused with Newspeak, cautions Parshall, should be taken to mean the opposite of its literal definition. Need we include Newtspeak? Controversy concerning our speaker of the house has already given us Newtspeak, Newtopia, Newt Dealers -- you name it. You name it, and you'll discover everyone else thought of it first.

Powellmania and Doleful need no clarification. Spamming, new to me, is the practice of sending messages similar to junk mail through the post. Newswriter Parshall reminisces that American GIs of World War II described Spam as "ham that failed its physical." Our GIs found better words than I to express the same opinion.

Thigh-highs, understandably unfamiliar to me, are stockings that stop just above the knee, exposing several inches of bare leg beneath the skirt. Parshall avers that these items will find a market "among politicians hoping for a draft." Geddit?

This represents only a sample of buzz words listed by Parshall, but they are also among those listed by other 1996 listmakers. Being a collector of lists of every stamp, I thought briefly of writing a whole book of lists -- only to stumble over The Book of Lists between a pair of bookends on my bedroom floor. Buzz words keep changing with the times, and may be the only list not included in the book.

A list having nothing to do with buzz words reached me in my Christmas mail. Susan Skinner of Dallas, Texas, though unaware of my obsession with lists, included a five-page collection of children's comments on how and why people fall in love. Try a sampling of their originals and decide which is more useful to our anxious world -- a new buzz word, or a child's outlook on the subject of love:

"It isn't always how you look. Look at me. I"m handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7.

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be painful." -- John, age 9.

"If falling in love is anything like spelling, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7.

"I'm not rushing into love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10.

"Love will find you even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8.

"One way is to take a girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9.

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are ... on fire." -- Christine, age 9.

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Dave, age 8.

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6.

(Lovers hold hands because) "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle some day and do the holy matchamony thing." -- John, age 9.

My cousin Susan wrote that she received the list through E-Mail, but she had no idea who compiled it. I've changed my mind about the value of E-mail, but how many buzz words will ever top "matchamony"?

~Aileen Lorberg is a language columnist for the Southeast Missourian.