LEND ME YOUR EAR: ACRONYMS ARE GETTING MY GOAT!

Topmost among the latest buzzwords is Political Correctness, also known as PC. As readers of this newspaper must have observed, even the nation's cartoonists have joined the movement.

In last week's Missourian, a cartoon originating in Cincinnati pictured a girl-child about to leave for a party, with her mother reminding her not to forget her political correctness. The child looked as puzzled and pained as the rest of us were. Earlier, a writer for Time had dubbed PC Republican, then switched to "liberal" in the same article. Will the real PC please stand up?

Whatever the buzz word is supposed to mean, it's the mushrooming of acronyms in general that has begun to confound me. Public speakers and writers sling combinations of the alphabet at us as if we were dart boards, though a number are of such brief duration we wonder why anyone took the trouble to dream them up. We caught UNICOM on the run. This was the acronym for the United Nations Iraq-Kuwait Observation Mission. I encountered it on a Friday evening, only to learn next day at noon that it was no longer needed!

At least the letters were placed in proper sequence. Can you guess what TEC stands for? American-Tokyo Electric Cash Register Systems! Have the Japanese taken over our acronyms too?

ETS, denoting Environmental Tobacco Smoke, is of greater interest to me, and the acronym should be easier to retain. Trouble is, Smoke-Free America is the cause we support, and by next week I may confuse readers by writing if SFA.

According to a May 19 newspaper, I.D.E.A. is the acronym for International Dance Exercise Association. I like the precise lettering as well as the IDEA, but I don't understand the reason for the punctuation. Few editors are still obsessed with anything that can be omitted. Could a retired English teacher have planted the periods?

BOCA, meaning Building Officials and Code Administration, sounds like another worthy cause, but it reminds me of a city in Florida. I could wind up thinking of the acronym as RATON, wondering what or whom I've pledged to Rat On.

DOC, Department of Conservation, should confuse no one. But the way my notes travel from desk to calendar, I could interpret it as an appointment to see my doctor. Worse still, I wouldn't know whether it's to check my eyes, my feet, or whatever lies between. At my age, everything hurts.

Another excellent cause I've just learned about is SARA, the Superior Achievement Recognition Award. However, one of my four goddaughters is named Sara. By next week, I could run across the note and fear I've forgotten her birthday, and send her a two-page apology before recollecting Sara Wollan's birthday is March 2, and this is late May.

LEL, I have discovered, refers to Labor and Management Law. I favor regulating both, but what I do is not considered labor (these columns write themselves, of course), and my employer doesn't employ me. I'm a freelancer, meaning I pay self-employment tax. Someone should coin an acronym to protest this unwarranted treatment.

You may know what BMOC stands for: Big Man On Campus. More enduring in my book was the rural Bostonian who finally spent a night in a hotel and had to sign the "guest" book. Noting that other signers put letters after their names, he felt it only proper to add a whole string of Bs and one G. Asked for an explanation, he told the desk clerk he was "the Best Brown Bread Baker of Boston, the Best Boston-Baked Bean Baker of Boston, and the Big Ben that Blows the Biggest Bugle in Bud Bartles' Band By Gosh." Now there was an acronym to put BMOC to shame!

Although space is limited and we have to forego many of the 37 tossed in our direction in two days' time, IRFGA is too tempting to dismiss. It refers to an International Fainting Goat Association! Much in the news is a species of goat that faints at the sound of a sneeze, more or less, and the IRFGA is dedicated to the cause of making these goats faint so members can laugh themselves sick just watching the poor creatures fall. Falling does no harm to them, but one wonders about the humor quotient of a group so senselessly entertained.