JOY ALONG THE WAY: CONSIDER RENT-TO-OWN SHOES

I speed read through the classified ads unless there is some particular thing or service I'm looking for. There being none, at the present, I recently went through the pages in about three seconds and returned to the editorial page to re-read opinions on lots of stuff. Well into the first paragraph of such re-reading, my mind caught up with what my eyes had seen in the classifieds, or thought they had seen: "Rent-to-own-shoes."

I stopped reading to contemplate how bad things must have become if my hurried eyes had seen right. Rent shoes! Maybe it was just a printing error, yet the idea of renting shoes provided an entirely new thought for the day, so I didn't go back to check.

How would it work? Like everything else in such exchange, I suppose. You'd pick out a pair of shoes, either new or used, and dicker with the rental person over how long you'd have to pay 25 cents or two bits a day before you owned them. Those that had been fumigated, polished and heel-repaired would, no doubt, command more rent.

Could you take them back the very next day after rental because the previous tenant's bunion bulges weren't in sync with yours? Or would there be a minimum charge? Of course there would be. (Forty dollars to put a $6 belt on your washing machine motor! Seventy-five dollars for two hours work on a wrinkled carpet!) Otherwise, someone wanting special red satin spike-heeled (They're coming back!) party shoes might get them for one night for 50 cents. Green the next night? Blue? Pink? Shades of Imelda!

Suppose you wanted to impress someone at the ball game or just walking down the street? A $250 or $500 pair of athletic shoes with numerous scroll patterns and air inflated soles would offset your ragged jacket and patchy pants. But the whispered, "Just look at those shoes," as you passed by might be worth the $5 a day rent-to-own.

Alas, suppose you got killed because you wouldn't gracefully give the shoes to someone who coveted them so much he took extreme measures? Would your next of kin be sued to recover the rent? Is there a hidden serial number somewhere in the shoes so they could be easily traced? A beeper?

I can see side businesses spinning off from Rent-to-own-Shoes. Rent a good looking pair and sub-rent them for a little more than you had to pay. Gee, a person would soon be able to buy a new pair of shoes.

How much do those all-leather, jewel-encrusted, elevated-heeled, scrolled, knee-high cowboy boots cost? A thousand dollars or more? I'm out of touch with that market. There could be special loans for rented boots. Confidentiality assured. Special insurance companies for the loss of a gemstone in a fancy boot or a cast metal tip!

Suppose the rented shoes wore completely out before your rental payments equaled the set purchase price? Now you're in trouble. Go barefoot for a couple of months or rent another pair, thus making double payment for a while? It's the road to the poor house.

Maybe the shoes can be melted down into some kind of substance suitable for sidewalk pavement or droop caps? When the Rent-to-Own dealer got caught with a lot of unrentable inventory, he could fire up the vats, sell the goo and compensate, at least partially, for the shoe rental loss.

You think I'm going back to read that ad again? Think again. It isn't every day that new material comes along to woolly the mind and waggle the toes.

I'm just going to keep my eyes peeled for such a rental adventure. I've got shoes that date back to 1977. There's rental life left in 'em. Cuban heels. Big Buckles. Ankle straps. Maybe $35 for meltdown? That would buy an ordinary pair of new shoes and clean out the shoe closet.

How would I report the transaction to the IRS? Long-term gain or loss from assets held for more than 18 months? Shucks, no credit there. Alas, the murky waters of incipient entrepreneurship.

REJOICE!