JESS DU JOUR: THEY'RE COMING TO TAX ME AWAY, OH MY!

If you and/or your spouse have itemized deductions on your ERA, EIC, and UFO, and line 61 is greater than the square root of line 62, add lines 63 and 64, subtract the factorial roots of all these numbers, and write them in quadratic-equation form on line 71. This is your nonstandard deduction-pension redemption-exemption puny little income.

I am 17 years old. The people around me tell me that I have blossomed into a unique individual who is steadily learning the ways of the world and who is slowly grasping the major themes in today's society. The federal government tells me that I have blossomed into a taxpayer, and nothing more.

But this does not surprise me in the least -- I firmly believe that the federal government will collect taxes from anyone. If one has a social security number and can efficiently respire oxygen, that person meets the federal government's requirements for paying taxes.

Even if one doesn't respire very MUCH oxygen, our government has probably finagled some kind of a tax to put on their oxygen. I, like the rest of the oxygen-breathing country, have begun to slowly figure out how to pay my federal income taxes.

In the past two weeks, my tax forms have made me cognizant of an entire vocabulary filled with income tax terms. For instance, I have four or five separate incomes and several complicated acronyms to accompany each of them when I copy them down on my forms. I also know that I have no deductions or exemptions, I have arthritis in my joint returns, and I do not have to fill out extra worksheets and schedules.

I rue the day that I must fill out and attach schedules. I see no purpose for attached tax schedules except to serve as demented, middle-class status symbols.

"So, Bob, how many schedules did you attach to your 1040?"

"Well, let's see now, Bill. I believe I had eight this year, not counting that long one I had to fill out for my new fishin' boat."

"Heh-heh. That's funny, because I just happened to have NINE attached schedules. You know, because of my new pick-up truck and huntin' rifle."

Yes, that must be how it is.

Along with my repertoire of tax terms and their meanings, I have formed a complex about being a tax-filer who is not married. After scrawling "no" on 23 separate lines concerning my non-existent spouse's assets and deductions, I get a bit perturbed.

"No I do NOT have a spouse," I would scream at my tax forms, scribbling anarchy signs in the margins. "And if I DID, he would NOT have any tax-free reductions or exemptions!"

... and my tax forms just lie there on my desk and take the abuse, staring back at me blankly. (Pun is intended.)

In my world, there are a very few things that are absolute: (1) If I like my date, my German shepherd Jake will have a proportional amount of dislike for him, and will want to rip his limbs off. (2) If I have an ailment of any kind, my mommy will make it better. (3) If I have an important social event to attend (i.e., big date, school dance), I will inevitably get a large pimple in some highly-visible spot on my face. (4) I will pay taxes to the federal government.

After muddling through my first year of filing taxes and gaining all kinds of useless knowledge about state and federal taxes, I have drafted a revised form that is much simpler and is extremely well-suited to my federal income tax needs:

Write your name on line 1. Write this year's income on line 2. Write the title of your favorite song and the artist who sings it on lines 3 and 4. Subtract lines 3 and 4. If your song was written by the Beatles or the Doors, you automatically receive a musical-taste bonus refund in the mail.

Write your favorite color on line 5. If you do not have a favorite color, look at someone else's form and decide whether or not your song is cooler than theirs. Sign and date your form. Mail your form to an official-sounding office building and use your extra money to invest in Beatles' CD's.

Actually, if you are trying to fill out a real tax form for this year, you have a mere 24 hours left in which to do it. Tonight, as you hastily struggle to sum up your entire financial year within a matter of hours, I suggest that you fill out and attach Revised Schedule "F", which allows the tax filer to automatically yell "Forget it!" among other things, and hire an accountant.

~Jessica McCuan is the editor of the Jackson High School newspaper, The Squawler.