Is love an enigma?

Love is difficult to explain. It's supposed to be a good thing, yet false love can be abused and consequently turned into a tool for manipulating other people. Everybody needs to be treasured and feel valued. Whatever or whoever fulfills that need draws you toward it. Love is like a beam of light. It attracts, enlivens, lights your way and bids you to come closer.

Love appears under many guises. It's quite often difficult to figure out. When someone first falls in love, he believes that this romantic love is the real thing because he idolizes the object of his affections. After he discovers a few flaws in the other person, the feelings he thought were those of love weaken. After he's finally encountered the real thing, he finds what he originally felt wasn't love at all. Rather he felt fascination, passion and infatuation. Real love doesn't diminish after imperfections appear.

People may wonder, however, why they became obsessed with the other person in the first place. Did he/she make me feel good? Did the other convince me that I was beautiful, more special, intelligent or did he supply other gnawing needs I had at the time? Maybe if I examined the emotions I felt, I would have found I was thinking of myself, and who I treasured most was me. Instead of genuinely loving the other person, I enjoyed how he/she made me feel. That is a part of the enigma of love. Even though it's phony, love's image can fool you and lift your spirits and morale.

The pretense of love is often a reason why women and men sometimes stay in an abusive relationship. The abuser exhibits an untrue picture of love. Couples continue reuniting and starting over because they want to be significant to someone. In an instance such as this, love is used to manipulate another person and keep them captive. Often the abused partner professes love because he's unable to stand alone. He needs the other for his own material survival or self-esteem. It's a situation where inauthentic love is used as a double-edged sword. Neither is able feel love in its true sense, as more than a feeling. Love is a choice to treat others like they should be treated.

Children, especially, are drawn to those who show them love -- a prime reason why so many are kidnapped and taken advantage of. Love is comforting. It provides a haven, a reason for being and makes people feel worthwhile. Just smile at another person on the street and see what happens. He can't keep from smiling back. Your pleasant gesture may have been his only validation saying "you matter" that day. It's a show of love and caring -- attractive and magnetic.

It seems love has always needed to be explained and dissected. In his time, Paul wrote quite an extensive treatise on love. The emotion or action was an enigma then, too. People were confused in deciding what love meant. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul presented a wonderful and inclusive definition of love. You may want to read it. In his description he pointed out that love is kind and patient and that it perseveres.

Loving other people serves many purposes. The most valid reason for loving is because Jesus told his disciples to "Love one another. As I have loved you so you should love one another." (John 13:34) To love is a commandment from God. When you love other people, you feel better, both physically and mentally. Also, others gravitate toward you. You become a comfort, an encourager and assure others they are worthwhile.

Indeed, false love can be an enigma and a mystery, but genuine love never is.

Ellen Shuck holds degrees in psychology, religious education and spiritual direction and provides spiritual direction to people at her office.