How to talk with children about difficult topics, situations

As parents, we want to protect our kids from any sad or disturbing news -- but we also need to prepare them to deal with that kind of news when it arises, whether it be war, violence, death or something else.

Sue Cook, counselor at Clippard Elementary School in Cape Girardeau, says parents shouldn't wait until a sad or scary situation comes up before they discuss such things with their kids.

"Encourage supportive, positive relationships with your kids and answer them honestly," she says. "But don't over-answer. Just answer the questions they ask, and give less details to younger children."

She also recommends that parents help children separate reality from fantasy, and reassure a child's safety if he or she is afraid.

"Let them know that the grown-ups have it covered, and that it isn't their job to worry," she says.

Parents should try to be good role models to their kids during sad or uncertain times.

"Your kids will mirror your behavior," says Cook. She suggests planning ahead for unforeseen emergencies.

"Have a family plan for emergencies like a fire, and include your kids in the plan," she says.

Last, Cook advises distancing kids from the disturbing situation.

"Minimize their exposure to the news if [the disturbing situation] is being broadcast over and over," she says.

Utahna Hancock, a partner in The Dale and Hancock Center for Individual and Family Therapy in Cape Girardeau, agrees with the findings of existential psychiatrist Irvin D. Yalom, emeritus professor of psychiatry at Stanford University, when it comes to children's awareness of death and dying.

"Yalom feels pretty strongly that children are aware of death from an early age," says Hancock. "Pets die, grandparents die, and we can't protect kids from it."

She believes having a spiritual faith is a comfort for some children.

"Religion and a [belief in an afterlife and heaven] can be a huge comfort for some children, but not for others," she says.

She said she believes in following your gut instinct when talking to children about dying and death.

"Be matter of fact about life and death, as it is the general cycle of life," she says.

Like Cook, Hancock discourages giving young children too much detail about disturbing or uncomfortable news.

"Don't tell your children too much," she says. "Just answer what they ask as honestly as you can."

When it comes to violence on TV, Hancock suggests sharing your own feelings with your child.

"War can be very glamorized on TV and in movies, but in real life, it's pretty hideous," she says. "Let your children know how you feel about war and violence."

She also suggests unplugging from a disturbing or violent story that is being broadcast over and over.

"Just turn it off," she says.

To help children accept that death is part of the cycle of life, Hancock suggests remembering those who have died and visiting grave sites with your child.

"Going to funerals, visiting grave sites and walking through cemeteries can help your child accept [the concept of] death," she says. "It also helps teach them to remember the people who have passed."

Finally, if your child has a loved one who is gravely ill or dying, help prepare him or her by letting them be a part of the process.

"If a loved one is dying and has grown pale and gaunt, and is in the hospital with tubes in them, that sight can be very scary for a child," says Hancock. "Let the child be a part of the process [of visiting the loved one] from the beginning. It can also help to take a picture of the loved one first and show it to the child to prepare them. Don't protect the child from the fact that the loved one is [gravely ill] or dying. Be very sensitive to the child about this subject, and encourage them to talk about it with you. Then, listen when they talk."