Heaven help the overworked alpha male

Oct. 11, 2001

Dear Pat,

For years, DC and I assumed Hank fit the profile of a dog that has been abused or for some other reason is so fearful that he bites when cornered. But in one case, he bolted out a door and sought out a victim we suspect had been teasing him. There's something more noble than scared about Hank.

Our current theory to explain why Hank is the way he is: He's an alpha male overwhelmed by the responsibilities of the job.

Every pack must have an alpha dog, the one in charge. We assumed that was Lucy since she always eats first when a bowl of scraps is put on the floor. Lucy is serene and in control. Hank is fidgety and easily upset by noises and by people staring at him. That doesn't sound very alpha.

Singing soothes Hank. He likes most any song that doesn't have his name in it. Hearing his name seems to make Hank think something is expected of him.

The animal behaviorist we took Hank to awhile back told us we might be surprised about which of our dogs was the true alpha. After meeting him, she didn't draw any conclusions about Hank's role but did diagnose him as "freaky."

Maybe he's just frustrated with the responsibilities of home ownership. He and I have much in common.

Alpha male dogs think they're in charge of the household. I never had that delusion, but every once in awhile I feebly assert myself. Where are we going to put another chair? I wail.

Hank probably senses that neither of his masters likes to make decisions. We have to debate the pros and cons first. Alpha males don't debate, so Hank has to jump into the power vacuum. Hank isn't the problem. We are.

Healthy alpha males like John Wayne can save us from ourselves. Unhealthy alpha males like Darth Vader threaten the existence of life as we know it. Real-life alpha males act decisively, as if they already know the answer. Make-believe alpha males like Hank make a big show of being tough. They bark, they growl but they're just compensating for being scared of all the responsibility.

Putting the alpha male dog in his place is supposed to be the solution for this bad behavior. After all, Hank really just wants one of us to be the leader so he doesn't have to watch over us every minute. He'd rather just be a dog.

An article titled "Who's in Charge Here? A Lesson in Becoming Alpha" offers some ways to correct errant alpha male dog behavior. I don't know whether they work on men.

From now on, Hank should have to earn his praise. He should have to sit before he gets fed or gets to go outside. He doesn't get to sleep on our bed or on furniture anymore until he figures out who the alpha dog is -- us.

It's back to canine boot camp, Hank.

Last weekend a group of ministers got together to bless pets in honor of the Feast of St. Francis of Assisi. Hank is not good at public functions, but the ministers agreed to bless him in absentia.

The Episcopal minister said a prayer asking God to relieve Hank's fears. The minister from the Evangelical United Church of Christ handed me a signed certificate proving that Hank has been blessed. The Cowardly Lion needed his medal, maybe Hank needs his blessing.

"You're out of the woods, You're out of the dark, You're out of the night.

Step into the sun, Step into the light..."

Love, Sam

Sam Blackwell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian