Happiness is a hidden gun

Oct. 2, 2003

Dear David,

When Missouri's concealed-weapons law goes into effect next week, we men will be faced with a fashion predicament. The law obviously will end crime as we know it. Everyone will be too scared of each other to leave their houses. But that heavenly state will have to wait until we men figure out where to conceal our weapons.

It's easy for women. At worst they have to buy a bigger purse or briefcase. But unless you're a suited-up lawyer or big businessman, or a legislator equipped with a shoulder holster, concealing a weapon presents men with a dilemma. Where to hide the tell-tale bulge?

Right behind the pants zipper is the perfect place if you ask me.

There are other ideas: Ankle holsters are popular with police. Some guns are small enough to fit in a pocket. I'm told some people wear a gun in the small of their back. None of these sounds like the answer. We need new thinking, clothes with a hidden pouch for the man who's packing. Gucci for gunmen.

A few nights ago, DC and I had a beer with one of her business associates who is anxious to get his concealed-weapons permit. For one thing, it will finally make him legal. He won't have to worry about a cop arresting him for the gun that's already in his car.

He told us he was shot by a stray bullet from a gunfight when he was younger and said he lives in a big-city neighborhood where carjackings have occurred. The world is scary for him.

It's so scary that he invited me to accompany him next weekend to the Knob Creek Gun Range near West Point, Ky., home of America's largest machine gun shoot. Twice a year, people from all over the country pay to fire machine guns from the 19th, 20th and 21st century. Lined up side-by-side, they blast away at foreign cars and whatever else the folks who own the range deem target worthy. Dynamite is attached to drums filled with diesel fuel for added effect. Afterward you can buy the video.

It's good to know what your gun-toting friends and neighbors and colleagues do for fun.

Besides the concealment issue, the law has at least one other major defect. It says that you and I can't carry our concealed weapons into a place where elected officials meet. But the officials can. This gives them an unfair advantage if you ask me, and if this law is about anything, it's about evening the odds and settling scores.

The elected officials who passed the concealed-weapons law after voters defeated it probably insisted on that part.

But the biggest problem is where to hide my weapon, especially since I plan to carry a really big one. If you're going to pack, it might as well be a miniature weapon of mass destruction. That way, when you've tried talking, you've tried running, you've tried channeling Gandhi and there's no way out but to pull your gun, at least you won't have to waste more than one round on the sucker.

Hey, I just realized who to ask about concealing my weapon: an Iraqi. Nobody hides weapons like Iraqis can.

Love, Sam

Sam Blackwell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.