CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: THE IDIOTS IN OTHER CARS NOT ALWAYS TO BLAME

This came over the wire Saturday morning, and I just couldn't ignore it.

An Indiana woman and her four passengers were hurt in an auto accident after the woman was blinded by a wayward hairpiece. It was apparently blowing around in the wind and got in her eyes.

Talk about a bad hair day.

The 46-year-old Indianapolis woman lost control of her car and flipped over a guard rail.

Luckily, they were all wearing seat belts, and all five were treated and released at an area hospital.

It reminded me of a wacky little driving adventure I had in college, right here in River City.

I was on my way to St. Louis and stopped to get coffee for the drive north.

This was before cup holders were invented, incidentally. So I sort of held the cup between my knees and drove off.

I couldn't use my hands, because one was working the steering wheel and the other was smearing on lip gloss.

Well, to make a long story short, I was paying more attention to the lip gloss than the road and hit a pothole.

Which of course caused the coffee (in a Styrofoam-ish cup minus the lid) to spill where you don't want steaming hot coffee spilled. I screamed and jumped and jerked the wheel and wound up on the sidewalk, then jerked the wheel and careened back onto the street, all without hitting anyone or anything.

But I braked so hard I hit the steering wheel.

With my freshly-glossed lips.

I sat in my car for a few minutes, with my lips swelling and my thighs parboiling, and decided three things: I wasn't going to St. Louis, I'm really glad I'm not a man, and I'd die of third-degree burns and terminal lip-swell before any of this particular adventure could be transcribed on an official document, like a hospital admittance form.

Can't you just hear the nurses in the emergency room?

So I drove back to the dorm, limped up to my room and started looking for ice.

Good thing my roommate was out of town.

Incidentally, every car I've had since that mishap has had upholders.

My friend Rhonda had to go to the hospital after she poked herself in the eye with a mascara wand while she was driving. She wore an eye patch for three weeks.

She also wore false eyelashes on the other eye the entire time. Talk about high maintenance.

Rhonda eventually married one of the paramedics who responded to her accident. He won't let her buy mascara anymore.

Lest you think only women have embarrassing vanity-inspired driving mishaps, let me tell you about my friend Mitch. He was late for work and was trying to tie his tie while driving. Somehow it got wound around the steering wheel, and he couldn't turn the wheel without strangling himself.

Luckily, he could still work the brakes and the gearshift, so the car was really only rolling when it hit the telephone pole.

Mitch wears a lot of bow ties these days, and he's working very hard so he can afford a chauffeur.

I like to think I've learned a few valuable lessons:

As my beloved father often reminds me, "It's a car, not a beauty parlor."

When they label those cups "HOT coffee," they're not kidding. And

It's not always the idiots in the other cars you have to worry about.

Happy driving.

Pegggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.