CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: SUBSTITUTES WEIGHED IN THE BALANCE FOR DIETERS

They've done it again.

Artificial sweeteners. Salt substitutes. Now a calorie-free fat substitute is due to be introduced to the American public's palate.

The Food and Drug Administration last week approved the use of olestra.

In a few months, Procter & Gamble will start test marketing the stuff.

Olestra resembles real fat, but it's molecules are too large to be digested, so they slide right through. No sticking to the hips. No clogging up the arteries.

Larger molecules, smaller thighs. Ooh, what a concept.

I suppose olestra -- which will be marketed as Olean -- could be considered the final step in the "no sweat" approach to staying skinny.

Now we can suck real fat out of the body through liposuction and inject fake fat into food.

Isn't science wonderful?

Real fat tastes good, but in high quantities, it's really bad for the body.

The newest fake stuff may not be too great for some people, the FDA warns: Olestra can act as a laxative, and may suck some nutrients right out of the old digestive system.

Don't worry, though. All foods containing olestra will carry a warning label.

That's reassuring. Maybe it won't cause cellulite in laboratory animals.

I get a little suspicious when I read food labels these days. The FDA dictates the wording of labels based on what's actually in the stuff we eat.

Cheese food, for instance. It comes in little squirt cans and slices wrapped in plastic. You can't call it cheese because...

Well, because the FDA says you can't. So it's cheese food.

It sounds like something Ralston-Purina makes. Feed it to cheddar and it will grow big and strong.

We've almost gotten to the point where we don't actually need to eat anything, whether it's real food or the substitute stuff.

We can just take vitamin supplements and choke down a few of those styrofoam cylinders (some people call them rice cakes) for bulk, so our stomachs feel full.

We want to have our cake and eat it, too. Lots of it, with extra (sugar-free, fat-free) frosting.

If the FDA really cared about the American public, they'd come up with a calorie substitute.

Substitutes for things like sugar, salt and fat can make a world of difference for people who, for medical reasons, can't eat the real stuff.

They make a world of difference for those of us who do "-free" math, i.e., I can eat this entire box of chocolate fudge cookies because they're fat-free.

That's the same kind of math that stipulates broken cookies don't have any calories because they all leaked out.

Maybe it's a giant conspiracy, and the same people who make fat-free snack foods make all that home exercise equipment.

One side of the factory makes fat-free ice cream ...excuse me, ice cream food ... and the other makes the ButtMaster.

The numbers for this new olestra stuff are pretty impressive.

An ounce of potato chips made with olestra will have no fat and only 60 calories -- about the same as a plain baked potato.

Those of us wise to the ways of no-cal/low-cal/fat-free foods know what olestra means for our nutritional needs.

Instead of using olestra as a means to a more sensible diet, we can eat more junk. You know, the stuff that tastes good.

When we go to the movies, we'll be able to wash down fat-free buttered popcorn and candy bars with our sugar-free, one-calorie diet sodas. Just for the taste of it.

Then we can go out for dinner.

~Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.