CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: SO WHICH OF THE DUMMIES WROTE THE ROSWELL REPORT?0

We could be surrounded by crash test dummies and not even know it.

They're not aliens; they're crash test dummies.

That's the Air Force's explanation for the "bodies" witnesses reported seeing hauled away near Roswell, N.M., after SOMETHING crashed there on July 7, 1947.

Unless you really have been on another planet (in which case, you probably know what really happened at Roswell) or hidden in a subterranean broom closet for the last week, you know what I'm talking about.

The theory is the Air Force recovered a flying saucer and ETs from the New Mexico site and has been covering it up for the last 50 years.

Last week, the Air Force released a report saying the bodies witnesses saw being hauled away were really dummies used in parachute tests.

The craft recovered is officially part of a balloon used to monitor the atmosphere for evidence of Soviet nuclear tests.

Of course, the alleged aliens were spotted in 1947, and the high-altitude parachute drops for which the dummies were designed didn't start until 1954, but Air Force officials theorize witnesses got the years mixed up.

Not only can't the good people of Roswell recognize aliens, they can't read a calendar?

The starship Enterprise could fly through the holes in the Air Force's logic.

But if you accept the premise, consider this: Before, we just had to worry about aliens walking unrecognized among us. Now, we could be surrounded by crash test dummies and not even know it.

"I Walked with a Crash Test Dummy," coming soon to a multiplex near you.

Scary, kids; very scary. Vince and Larry and all their cohorts plot in secret to take over Planet Earth.

Presumably, the new regime will require everybody to wear seat belts.

Actually, the crash test dummy theory explains a lot of things.

Professional wrestling. "Bay Watch Nights." Fishing shows. The Reagan Administration.

And the possibility of unidentified crash test dummies (UCTDs, for short) would provide a lot of fuel for a great many conspiracy theories:

-- All those Elvis sightings.

-- Any mysterious lights in the sky, particularly those witnessed only by persons imbibing consciousness-altering substances at hours when respectable people like us are home looking for dirty movies on Cinemax.

-- Faked moon landings. Those weren't astronauts; they were UCDTs!!!

-- The "My Neighbor's a Government Spy!!!" contingent.

-- The '70s resurgence. (I'm sorry; lime green clothing must be a government plot.)

Maybe the UCDT theory applies to the people who believe all those conspiracies.

Of course, it's a little hard to believe that all those crash test dummies could be out there without anyone knowing about it.

Surely the Pentagon or the FBI or somebody's keeping track of them.

And it's entirely possible they don't even exist. Somebody just took too much cold medicine or something.

I'm not trying to be skeptical. Anything is possible. If crash test dummies developed here, there's no reason they couldn't have developed on another planet.

Better buckle up, just in case.

Peggy O'Farrell is a copy editor for the Southeast Missourian.