CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: SCHOLARLY MINDS CONVENE TO PONDER ELVIS PRESLEY

Pack your bags and bring plenty of peanut butter and banana sandwiches! It's almost time for the third annual International Conference on Elvis Presley.

You think I'm kidding, don't you?

But a colleague passed along the registration forms for the conference, which will be held Aug. 10-15 at the Memphis College of Art.

According to Dr. Vernon Chadwick, who is directing the conference, the event commemorates the 20th anniversary of Elvis' death, and fans throughout the world are invited to "join noted scholars, writers, musicians and artists in discussions of the past and future significance of the 20th century's most ubiquitous and enduring cultural icon."

Ubiquitous AND enduring. Pretty high praise, even for a cultural icon like Elvis.

The agenda includes the following sessions: "Elvis Today: The Rainbow Coalition," "Elvis Studies: So Much White Noise?" "Elvis Atlas: Memphis, Nashville, Hollywood," "Welcome to My Art World: Elvis and the Visual Arts" and "2001: Elvis and the Apocalypse."

An apocalyptic Elvis. Imagine the entire world buried in a shower of barbiturates and jelly donuts.

Gives that "hunka-hunka burnin' love" song a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

Erika Doss of the University of Colorado-Boulder will give the keynote address, "Elvis is America," and El Vez, the Mexican Elvis, and his Memphis Mariachis will perform in the gala opening.

Chadwick describes El Vez as a sort of "New Age Elvis."

Other lectures include "Elvis Presley and the Elasticity of Gender," "Suspicious Minds" and "Elvis: Lost in the Nixon White House."

Probably kept nagging Pat to put in some shag carpeting.

I find the entire thing very enlightening. I didn't know there were "Elvis studies."

Can I get a Ph.D. in Elvisology? Can you imagine the doctoral thesis topics? "Jail House Rock: Socioeconomic Vignettes of America's Prison Population."

And are there postgraduate programs on other cultural icons?

The Madonna Institute on Family Studies? The Vanna White Linguistics Center? The John Lennon School of Folk Pharmacology?

Instant karma's gonna get me. At least Elvis never claimed to be bigger than Jesus.

The King himself isn't listed on the Memphis conference's program. He's probably still in Battle Creek, Mich., celebrating Lisa Marie and Michael's divorce.

Personally, I was rather fond of the pre-Army Elvis; his music was never the same afterwards, and all that white vinyl (not to mention the bacon grease and sleeping pills) didn't help.

No other rock star has earned the kind of devotion -- maybe obsession is a better word -- than Elvis. Look at all those imitators.

Thousands of people from all over the world visit Graceland every year. Only the White House gets more visitors.

Of course, the admission fee at Graceland doesn't get you a night in the Lincoln Bedroom.

I myself have toured the Jungle Room. I didn't pay the extra money to tour the Lisa Marie, Elvis' private plane, though. And I have to admit to keeping a close eye on the upstairs windows, just to see if the King himself was peeking out.

Maybe I can convince the boss to send me to Memphis for the conference. I think Elvis still speaks to Americans. Some probably get a phone call once a week, at least.

Now if I could just find those blue suede shoes. ...

Peggy O'Farrell is a copy editor for the Southeast Missourian.