CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: IT'S TIME FOR FAT CHICKS TO TAKE TURN IN THE SPOTLIGHT

For fat chicks everywhere, I'm going to audition to be the new fifth Spice Girl, Pudgy.

Americans are getting heftier, according to a national survey.

Because I haven't noticed my clothes getting any looser, I can't say I'm surprised by the news.

According to the survey, more than half -- 55 percent -- of all American adults are overweight or outright obese.

I was watching TV (and eating) when I came across another factoid: The average American woman is a size 12.

For once in my life, I'm in the majority.

Cake and ice cream for everybody!

I've spent most of my life muttering, "I am more than my dress size" like a mantra, and not believing a word of it.

The simple fact is, I'm short and round, and I'm not alone.

But if you turn on the TV or pick up a magazine, you'll get hit over the head with the fact that we're all supposed to be a size 6.

In fact, the message is so pervasive that women, and some men, starve themselves to death or pop pills or shoot up to achieve that size 6.

It's time to change the message. We need more fat people in pop culture. That's all there is to it.

So here's the plan. I've decided to audition as the new fifth Spice Girl: Pudgy.

Ginger Spice hit the road for a solo career, and hopefully better highlights, and now it's my turn.

I can be the older, wiser sister to Posh, Scary, Baby and what's-her-face, the one who does all that kick-boxing while she sings.

I can lip-synch inane lyrics. I can dye my hair weird colors. I can even sing off-key if I have to. And I can keep the tour bus well-stocked with Ring-Dings.

Of course, I don't have the kind of underwear that usually gets worn on the outside, but that's all part of the re-adjustment plan.

The world needs a reality check. And I think we're ready for a sex symbol who actually needs a bra.

And every truly great all-girl group needs a fat chick. Remember the Supremes?

Diana Ross got the glory, but who got the movie of the week and tell-all autobiography and Broadway musical?

Mary Wilson, the fat one, that's who.

I draw the line at the beehive, though. I may be hopelessly commercial, but I have my standards.

Well, OK, I only have one standard, but it's pretty tough.

Given the fact that Americans are growing by leaps and bounds, it's not too much of a stretch to assume that one day soon there will be a Society for Thin Acceptance.

In the meantime, ladies, don't be afraid to reach out to our skinny sisters and let them know they're loved. Welcome them. Embrace them.

And if that doesn't work, squash them like a bug.

Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.