CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: INTREPID REPORTER ATTACKED BY BLOOD-SUCKING BEASTS

Repeat after me: Scratching only makes it worse, even though it feels so-oo good.

I ventured out of doors the other night, for work-related reasons, and came back missing a few pints of blood.

You guessed it: I was attacked by mosquitoes. I am covered with dozens of swollen, itching red bumps.

Does anyone know if it's possible to overdose on calamine lotion?

We all know this past winter was too mild to kill the little bloodsuckers off, so they're thick on the ground -- actually, in the air -- this summer.

Am I the only who thinks they're massing for an attack? I think they've formed militia groups and are plotting a coup. If they start swarming federal officials, we'll know I was right.

Mosquitoes are among the many things I hate about summer. Heat, humidity, thongs, bicycle shorts and tube tops are also high on the list.

Missouri has many carnivorous creepy-crawlies. A guy I used to date moved to the Show-Me State from sunny California.

It wasn't until his first camping trip one summer that he was introduced to our friend, the man-eating chigger.

I think he lives near San Diego these days. No chiggers, lots of thongs.

I learned the other day that only pregnant female mosquitoes actually bite. If I were pregnant in this heat, I'd probably be pretty vicious, too. But enough is enough.

Everyone has horror stories about mosquitoes.

A friend of mine who grew up in Alaska says the first time he saw a helicopter he thought it was some new species of pygmy mosquito.

My father, who spent World War II in the jungles of Burma, said he and his combat buddies used to try to machine-gun the mosquitoes away.

"That just made them mad," Pop tells me.

Mosquitoes are nasty, vampire-like creatures. They suck blood. They spread disease.

At least malaria's not common in these parts.

I seem to attract clouds of mosquitoes. I guess it's my natural sweetness.

Or it could be the neon sign that flashes "All You Can Eat -- $3.99" in some secret mosquito code as I walk past.

I may decide to break down and buy mosquito repellent, but that stuff never seems to work for me.

Maybe I could carry a little citronella candle with me wherever I go, or string garlic around my ankles and sprinkle holy water to chase the little suckers away.

Maybe I could invest in some really small wooden stakes.

In the meantime, I am becoming acquainted with the wonders of hydrocortisone, calamine lotion and benzocaine, which flat out numbs whatever it comes in contact with.

And I spend a lot of time muttering, "Scratching only makes it worse," and putting my hands in my pockets.

I usually dread winter, but I find myself looking forward to a sub-arctic blast so I can watch mosquitoes fall, flash-frozen, from the skies.

Now if I can just get this garlic strung.....

Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.