CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF UNDERWEAR MYSTIQUE

You can learn a lot about a person from their underwear drawer.

Of course, credit reports, criminal records and background security checks will give you much more specific information, but leather and lace can be equally revealing.

So to speak.

You can tell when my friend Debra's in a new relationship because she starts buying the good stuff -- actually, I suppose you could consider it the bad stuff, since it consists of tiny amounts of lace and lots of elastic -- instead of the usual six-packs of floral cotton bikini briefs.

Women only buy special underwear up to a certain point in a relationship.

Then we start stealing his underwear, provided he wears boxer shorts. Men's briefs are anatomically impractical for women.

There's a double standard at work here, incidentally.

When a woman starts wearing her boyfriend's underwear, that means we're committed to the relationship.

When a man starts wearing his girlfriend's underwear, we call that an alternate lifestyle, with the potential for an entirely different kind of commitment.

Women don't just buy fancy underwear when there's a man in the picture. It has many uses.

Some women wear it like a prop, to get "in character," so to speak.

Some women buy it because it makes them feel feminine.

My friend Laraine is a lingerie addict. She has more underwear than Madonna, and she wears satin and lace even when she doesn't have a date.

That's dedication.

I have three categories, incidentally. One for me, one for him and one for the laundromat.

Men's underwear doesn't really have the same scope as women's. Its purpose is more utilitarian than esthetic.

My girlfriends and I occasionally theorize that you can tell whether or not a guy's been in a serious relationship by his underwear.

If it's all white, he either has sensitive skin or he's never dated anyone for more than a month.

Once a woman gets her claws in, fellas, you can kiss the tighty-whities goodbye.

For one thing, they're boring. For another, we know we're eventually going to wind up doing your laundry, and it's hard to keep those things clean.

Buying new underwear is one of those chores I detest. It's right up there with changing the cat's litter box and cleaning the oven.

More than anything, I think, I hate shelling out for such a basic commodity.

George Carlin used to have a routine that the government should issue every citizen a lifetime supply of one necessity.

Carlin chose tennis shoes. I choose underwear.

The government could issue underwear ration coupons, and you could save them up if you wanted anything fancy, like a satin teddy, or you could trade them in for basic cotton or nylon.

Or you could opt for items like socks or pantyhose or blue jeans. Surplus cheese. Peanut butter.

The possibilities are endless.

Of course, the next government shutdown could be really inconvenient, depending on what you choose.

Personally, I've always considered underwear essential, but to each his own.

By the way, I should thank my friend and fellow columnist Heidi Nieland for her kindness in previewing this topic. Watch your Southeast Missourian for Ms. Nieland's solution to ethnic warfare in Bosnia.

Our founding fathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness. Never buying underwear again would make me happy.

Now if I could convince my congressman to send someone out to change the litter box, that would really make my life complete.

~Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.