CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: BIRTHDAY PARTIES AREN'T THE CAT'S PAJAMAS

Melissa, the cat with whom I share my home, turned 2 the other day.

She didn't get any cake, because frosting makes her throw up, and she upchucks enough without provocation.

She didn't get any ice cream because we didn't have any and she likes yogurt better, anyway. Preferably blueberry, but she'll settle for strawberry.

You have to let it warm to room temperature, though, or she gets a little huffy.

Melissa didn't even have a party to celebrate her second birthday. The only other cat she knows is my sister's tabby, Rosalind, and Melissa and Rosalind tend to spend their hours together hissing and spitting and yowling at each other.

That's why Melissa came to live with me.

That's the problem with having cats. You can't invite dozens of their little friends over for parties.

That's also the great thing about cats. Supervising a bunch of 2-year-olds is not my idea of a good time, even if they're not prone to hair balls.

It's hard to throw a party for a cat, because a cat's mission in life is essentially to annoy its owner.

And to get about 20 hours of sleep a day.

I want a job like that.

Cats are pretty smart animals, but their thought processes work in one long, closed loop: get the human, get the human, get the human.

That's because cats aren't impressed by people. Dogs pretty much view their humans as god-like and worthy of slavering (or do I mean slobbering?) devotion.

Cats, on the other hand, view their humans as very large, hairless cats who know how to use can openers.

That is a compliment, by the way. But you have to consider the source.

Don't get me wrong. I love my cat, and she, in turn, allows me to provide her with food, shelter and a clean litter box.

Life is a series of trade-offs, and the sooner we learn to accept that, the happier we'll be.

My theory is that God made dogs to give people devoted, loving companionship. He made cats to keep us in our place.

Cats whose humans love them (doesn't that sound like a talk show topic?) have pretty easy lives.

Eat. Stretch. Groom. Go to the living room. Sleep on the chair. Stretch. Groom. Go to the kitchen. Sleep on the counter. Groom. Go to the bedroom. Sleep. Stretch. Groom. Use the litter box. Groom. Eat. Groom. Chase a bug. Go back to the living room. Sleep on the couch.

You get the idea.

Oh, I left out shedding.

Melissa's favorite thing in the whole world (besides eating and sleeping) is sitting in the bathtub.

When there's no water in it. She's eccentric, not weird.

She likes to sit and watch the faucet drip.

Melissa did get up on the side of the bathtub to keep me company once when I was taking a bubble bath. Unfortunately, she got a little too curious about the bubbles and fell in.

I don't think she actually ever touched water; I think she bounced off the bubbles themselves and ran for the comfort of her food dish.

I can now tell you from personal experience that cats don't really differentiate between getting wet and getting way too close to the water.

That's why they have humans.

~Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.