CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: BARBIE GOING UNDER THE KNIFE FOR BRAND-NEW LOOK

Barbie's getting a makeover.

This means, of course, two things: Barbie collectors all over the world are trying to figure out how the "new" Barbie will affect their investments, and little girls are getting a more realistic 11-inch plastic role model.

Barbie, as has been pointed out before, is on the top-heavy side. If she were a real woman, her measurements would be in the range of 38-18-34.

In other words, she wouldn't be able to stand up, so she had to be created in plastic.

So she's getting a nip here and a tuck there and will soon need a new wardrobe.

The folks at Mattel aren't really commenting on her new proportions, just saying that Barbie's profile "will be less graduated."

Barbie's also getting a new face, her first in more than 20 years.

The folks at Mattel will replace her toothy grin and wide eyes and with a closed mouth and a finer nose.

She's also getting straighter hair.

If Cher can go under the knife, why can't Barbie? Bob Mackie designs for both of them; he's flexible.

Barbie can afford a little plastic surgery. Look at the wardrobe she's got: ballgowns, designer suits, careerwear. And more shoes than Imelda Marcos.

She's got smaller feet, too.

Mattel won't roll out the new model Barbie until next year.

And the old Barbie -- pink and princessy as ever -- will still be available in special edition models.

Those are shelf Barbies that your 6-year-old is never, under any circumstances, allowed to so much as breathe on.

Barbie has been much criticized because she's an unrealistic role model for little girls: The perfect hair, nose...."profile." No one's come right out and said Barbie causes eating disorders, but it's hovering somewhere in the background.

Mattel says the makeover will create a Barbie who looks more like the rest of us.

Barbie with wrinkles; Barbie with bad roots; Barbie with preschool children (stretch marks sold separately).

Anyone worried that we're expecting our impressionable young girl-children to view a piece of plastic as a role model?

Of course, one good look at Hollywood and Washington leads me to the same conclusion.

I knew Barbie was unrealistic when I was a kid. I took one look at her "profile" and gave her a Mohawk.

It didn't help, so I buried her in the backyard under the mulberry tree.

Which leads me to the overwhelming question: How come boys' dolls never get makeovers?

Excuse me; what I meant to say is, why don't action figures ever get updated appearances?

G.I. Joe could use a new look, something more in line with the cultural icon of the sensitive, '90s kind of guys we all know and love.

Maybe an earring and a goatee, or one of those George Clooney/Julius Caesar/"I'm going bald but I'm still cool" haircuts. A new Humvee, with an Eddie Bauer interior package, and a Lexus for weekends when he's on leave.

Repeat after me: It's just a piece of plastic...It's just piece of plastic...It's just a piece of plastic....

Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.