CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: ADDING IT UP: A MIX OF SEX, LIES AND C-SPAN

It's a sad day when I'd rather watch baseball than the news.

A computer analysis of Ken Starr's official report on Zippergate shows the report refers to sex more than 500 times.

Specifically, the word "sex" appears 164 times in the 445-page document, "sexual" shows up 406 times, "sexually" nine times, and "sexy," "sexier" and "sexuality" once each.

Doing the math, that means nookie is referred to, directly or otherwise, 582 times.

On the other hand, the down and dirty legal details are much sparser: "obstruction" (as in, of justice) appears 11 times, "perjury" appears 40 times and "impeachment" appears 15 times.

Nookie, 582, criminal activity, 66.

Sounds like a Rams game.

If you really like numbers, the Starr report refers to sex 8.8 times more often than it refers to criminal activities or the adjudication thereof.

The Democratic National Committee sent out a press release Saturday morning (just as we were all sitting down to our morning papers and all those lurid details about you-know-what in the Oval Office) pointing out that the Starr report refers to sex more than 500 times, but only twice to the Whitewater scandal, and never to FBI files or the travel office.

Judging from the contents of the report and the average citizen's response to it, I'd say everyone involved is probably more interested in sex than numbers.

In fact, we're probably more interested in sex than obstruction of justice, perjury or just about anything else.

This should not come as a surprise.

Having glanced over the Starr report, the White House's rebuttal and many, many press accounts about Zippergate, I can truthfully say I know more about the president's sex life than I ever wanted to.

I don't think I'm alone in this. And I've decided I'd rather watch ESPN than C-SPAN.

It's a sad day when I'd rather watch baseball than the news. However, I have a feeling C-SPAN more accurately reflects the all-American pastime.

The president committed adultery, which is morally reprehensible, but not criminal. And we knew he was a womanizer when we elected him.

Let's face it: if we impeach every elected official who fools around on his or her spouse and then lies about it, we won't have a government left.

Which is not necessarily a bad thing.

Somebody call Kenneth Starr!

In the meantime, while we're caught up in tabulating the president's encounters, violence continues in the Middle East, Bangladesh is again flooding and the truce in Northern Ireland is on shaky ground.

Isn't it nice to know life goes on?

Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.