Character fails to produce runs

Here at the Missourian, we're fielding a softball team. We thought we'd fit neatly into the lowest skill level of the Shawnee Sports Complex co-ed league, but now we're having our doubts.

If this were a movie, we might be described as a rag tag bunch of lovable misfits. Kind of like the Bad News Bears only not so cute.

In short, the team whose character makes up for what it lacks in talent.

Our uniforms don't quite match and our on-deck hitter is more likely to be found in the beer line than taking practice swings. Some of our fielders are even known to light up cigarettes during the longer innings.

Once again, if this were Hollywood, you might expect us to overcome our individual shortcomings and rally to win the championship all while learning the value of teamwork.

Unfortunately, this isn't a movie and character doesn't drive in runs.

Because it's not just our looks that are raggedy. Flyballs are invitations for collisions and balls on the ground act like heat-seeking devices targeted at our more sensitive areas.

So far our record is a pitiful 0 and 3 and as the team manager, I've begun to hear the whispers.

"You should have pulled the pitcher last inning. He was clearly out of gas," said one guy as we walked off the field in defeat. "You're playing me out of position. I'm a natural first basemen," grumbled another who had run away from the only ball hit his way.

Things aren't good. I've taken to stomping around the dugout in between innings. I even caught myself eyeing a pair of shaded Tony LaRussa glasses in the supermarket.

Matters only got worse last week when, in bad need of a win, we faced the team from the radio station ESPN 1220 AM.

The squad resembled a co-ed version of Murderers' Row. I knew we were in trouble when even their female players were spitting and adjusting what may or may not have been protective cups.

The game was as lopsided as humanly possible. The umpire invoked the mercy rule after only four innings and we shamefacedly limped through the congratulation formalities.

I spent the rest of the night icing a circular bruise which appeared shortly after a scorcher hit me square in the belly. The next day at work the team looked like a M*A*S*H unit. The softball players limped around cradling backs and windmilling soar arms.

But the injuries weren't all bodily.

To add insult, the gracious winners took to the radio airwaves that morning to gloat over their victory. Something to the effect of "you won't read about it on the front page, but we killed the Southeast Missourian in softball last night. That team belongs on the funny pages."

That may not be a direct quote. I heard it second-hand from another grieved player, so decide for yourself whether fury clouded his recollection. I was just shocked to find out that anyone listens to the station when Dan Patrick isn't on.

So to sum things up, we've hit our early season low point. We have a double header coming up on Thursday and I've already received several e-mails from players with questionable reasons for why they won't be able to play.

These are the times that try managers' souls.

Yep, it may just be co-ed softball, but around here we take it pretty seriously.

~TJ Greaney is a staff reporter for the Southeast Missourian.