BY THE WAY: SI SWIMSUIT ISSUE WHIPS MARRIAGE INTO BETTER SHAPE

Of all the ways to settle a score with your mailman and become reacquainted with your wife, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue might seem like an unlikely source.

And yet it happened to a friend of mine in St. Louis.

It seems Sports Illustrated became increasingly valuable to my friend Mike because he knew that once a year he could stare at beautiful women and not offend his wife. After all, this was a sports magazine.

Mike began subscribing to SI more than a decade ago. In the beginning the women were portrayed tastefully enough that Mike's wife, Denise, thought it was OK. After all, most of the time this was a sports magazine, she reasoned.

As the years progressed, however, the photos seemed more daring, the women more alluring and the subscription more of a threat to peace and tranquility at this time of year.

This made the swimsuit issue even more valuable to Mike. The more he looked forward to seeing the next swimsuit issue, the more his wife felt compelled to stay in shape.

Denise had a valid argument against having to adhere to such a high physical standard alone, however. If Mike could stare at beautiful women, Denise could find a magazine that featured attractive men. Let the games begin~!

This way Mike would either have to watch his waistline as diligently as his wife or stop making such a big deal about the swimsuit issue.

Then one day the game took on another player. It seems the letter carrier who worked Mike's neighborhood always managed to make his house the last stop when the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out.

Not only did it arrive late; it appeared as though someone had already helped himself to the first glimpse of Elle McPherson and Kathy Ireland. Mike felt somewhat violated when he saw a smudge on one of the pages. Why not just open the door to my house and see if there are any other magazines you would like to read, Mike complained to himself.

Denise knew when the SI swimsuit issue was scheduled to come out. So she made it a point to circle the date on her calendar to make sure she had material to counter her husband's favorite magazine.

Before long she didn't even have to circle the date on her calendar. She knew it like her own birthday.

Mike was becoming so incensed with his mailman, who was efficient on any other day, he began leaving him nasty notes. "Please leave the swimsuit issue alone," wrote Mike. "If you want to stare at women, get your own subscription, you pervert!"

Mike even arranged to take off work early one day to find out why it took the mailman so long to reach his house on SIS Day (Sports Illustrated swimsuit day).

One year it snowed. Another year the mailman said he inadvertently slipped Mike's SI swimsuit issue in the wrong mailbox and had to deliver it a day late.

Meanwhile Denise was becoming obsessed with exercise. She couldn't get enough of it. She asked for a stair master for Christmas. For her birthday she wanted a year's membership to a health club.

One night she told Mike she was going to have some fun with her girlfriends by going to a male strip show. Mike said that if she could watch men strip, he could go to East St. Louis to see women take their clothes off.

The strategy bred a double dose of insecurity, however. Neither one said they had a very good time because they were worried what the other one was doing in such an erotic setting. They came home early and spent one of the most romantic evenings they could recall in some time.

Denise said she didn't care if she ever saw another magazine that featured sexy men. Mike said the SI swimsuit edition paled in comparison to a woman who had more than a good body going for herself.

He also told me there was no way he could keep up with her at the local gymnasium.

Mike told me the last few years he has been leaving his mailman a note that reads: "Enjoy the SI swimsuit issue, consider it my early Christmas present to you."

~Bill Heitland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.