BY THE WAY: MAKING SENSE OUT OF ANOTHER MARCH MADNESS

March Madness is supposed to remind me of the NCAA basketball tournament.

And yet, I'm thinking of some other maddening developments that have little to do with hoops and plenty to do with hoopla and weird circumstances.

If spring is indeed the season that brings about stormy weather, then the events that are occurring before our inquisitive eyes appear timely.

Interestingly enough, there is actually some balance to it all.

Mike Tyson is out of jail. Don King is in Mike's doghouse.

We know that Tyson will make a mint once he steps into the ring again. But who knows how to pronounce Mike's new name? Let's see how Mike does.

Michael Jordan is back wearing sneakers and pitching products. But somehow Doritos seems a bit much for someone who also sells Air Jordans. Maybe Michael has been away from it all far too long.

The word replacement has suddenly taken on a negative connotation. Just saying the word makes people mad. I spilled a drink on a friend's shirt the other day. I said if he couldn't get the stain out I'd be happy to replace it. He looked at me kind of funny and said, `Yeah, with an inferior brand, no doubt.'"

The phrase major league baseball is now being taught in English classes as an oxymoron.

There's a guy named Kato who has already made $60,000 just for living in the right guest house at the right time. The phrase living right suddenly takes on a new meaning.

Well, actually there's more to it than that. Kato is famous for nearly living in one house, only to move into another, rent free, because the husband was jealous of the wife, both of whom were Kato's friends. Sounds like a soap opera.

There are probably a lot of people who would buy Kato's book just to find out how he managed that one.

Kato started out as friendly fire for both the prosecution and the defense. He even made McDonald's sound like a trendy restaurant.

Now, Marcia Clark is telling Judge Lance Ito that Kato is a hostile witness. First he was comic relief and now he's a hostile witness?

The baseball season is about to start and nobody seems to care whether or not Pete Rose will ever get into the Hall of Fame. Everybody is too busy trying to figure out who's playing for their team.

So what does all of this mean? Perhaps we need to put the right characters in the proper setting and circumstance. Maybe Mike Tyson should preside over the major league baseball negotiations. If Tyson doesn't intimidate the powers that be, maybe Don King's hairdo will. Until the strike is settled, these guys are in the meeting for the duration.

Jordan is obviously in the right place doing what he does best. But perhaps Michael would do Kato a big favor by helping the B-movie actor endorse his first book. Maybe they could appear together on camera saying, "Read all about what it's like to shoot from the hip and turn a court into prime-time theater."

Rumor has it that the projected date of promotion on the book is April 1.

~Bill Heitland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.