BY THE WAY: LET'S SEND PLAYERS TO WOODSTOCK

If major league baseball players can't settle their differences with the owners before Friday's strike date, send them all to Woodstock.

It might do a world of good to put millionaires who wear baseball caps and expensive jewelry among the masses for a few days. If there are TV cameras nearby, don't let the players into the limelight. Portray them like normal people, even if they can't act the part.

Let them stand in a Porta Potti line for several minutes and swallow some pride if not some residue from the Pepsi Generation.

Make them take a quiz or two while they're waiting in line. Which one of these is bad for your health: MTV, ATM, QVC or LSD? No fair answering all of the above.

Another question: Is Lollapalooza an illegal substance pitchers are using these days? Or is it helping batters muscle the baseball over the fences with uncommon frequency? How about: Which outfield did Crosby, Stills and Nash patrol in their heyday? Which one is still Young?

Which farm system could also be described as the Grateful Dead? Which group of managers could best be described as Stone Temple Pilots? Is there really a clubhouse that offers Gin Blossoms and Pearl Jam after each game? Why do fans feel like Smashing Pumpkins?

For every wrong answer deduct $1 million from each player's next arbitration settlement. That would leave them with just a million or two and some change to spend while they recover during the winter months.

Ask them who was better hitting to the opposite field: Jimi Hendrix or George Hendrick? Make the pitchers, especially the ones who play for the St. Louis Cardinals, spend some time with the Spin Doctors. Perhaps they will learn something about putting the proper rotation on their pitches. Perhaps they will learn even more about their inner selves.

As for the owners, find somebody who can administer anything better than Bud Selig. How about letting Marge Schott wander around the grounds for a while. Could be Marge will discover what it is that makes her feel so superior all the time.

What does "Big Head Todd and the Monsters" have in common with Darryl Strawberry? How about "Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds" and Darryl Strawberry? How about Darryl Strawberry and "Nine Inch Nails?"

Players who have a reputation for storming the mound should be forced to work with gate crashers from the first Woodstock. You could develop some kind of competition between the two groups.

If the strike lasts too long, perhaps Meat Loaf should be given a tryout with the Philadelphia Phillies.

Why does the phrase gurus and prophets become a rotten rhyme when thrown next to grosses and profits?

Why would free love and free admission draw a blank stare from every major leaguer who attended Woodstock 1994?

Perhaps sending them to Woodstock wouldn't do any good at all. Then again it could turn out to be the best summer camp these Beastie Boys ever experienced.