BUCKING THE SYSTEM: COMMON COURTESY ANYTHING BUT IN TODAY'S SOCIETY

Common courtesy has gotten to be not so common in our society anymore. Gestures that once were accepted as a given -- like when a man would stand back and allow a lady to pass -- are now the exception rather than the rule. And phrases like "yes ma'am" and "no sir" are disappearing from our conversations, except when uttered by aging baby boomers and the occasional Generation X'er.

I remember learning many hard lessons about courtesy as a child. My parents had a certain look that would immediately get the point across that I had made a social faux pas somewhere along the way. And don't mention if I couldn't decipher the look: Mortifying is a nice description for the type of embarrassment that would be heaped on me.

But I learned from those lessons. To this day I don't accept payment after doing something for an older person, and all of the courtesy words are embedded in every conversation I engage in.

I wonder what happened to make us outgrow those niceties? I know they've been outgrown because I don't know anybody who wasn't taught them. "Please," "thank you," "yes ma'am," "no sir," "I'm sorry," "excuse me": These are phrases everyone is taught as a child.

But what's even more incredible than the notion of outgrowing courtesy is the double-standard that is so often applied to it. Most parents, even those who don't use them themselves, are insisting that their children show common courtesy in whatever they say or do.

Just the other day I was out at a restaurant and happened to overhear a family engaged in a courtesy double-standard. The father and mother were having a conversation while their grade-school-aged child was running around in the play area. Every so often the kid would run up and ask for something, interrupting whatever conversation the parents were having. They would ignore him until that no longer worked, then they'd ungraciously give him whatever he wanted and tell him to go play.

No courtesy words were used on either side, which was something I didn't notice at first. But when the child almost upset my soda when he ran past me, I remember thinking: "Those people need to stop talking for a minute and teach their child how to say excuse me."

Finally, the child ran up to the table and started his pattern for what was probably the fifth time. This time, however, the father grabbed him by the shoulders and started yelling directly into the child's face.

"Look here, you little @#$?!, sit down over there and shut up. You better learn some respect?"

As I observed all of this, I was very tempted to ask the obvious question: Who was going to teach it to him? You want him to act courteously and respectfully, but you're not doing it yourself.

I don't know if it's the fast-paced society we live in, the growing globalness of the world, intense self-centeredness or what, but I do know we've got to take some time out and get back to the important things in life. A lot of fights could be prevented if we'd just slow down enough to say "I'm sorry" and mean it. The same holds true for all of the other courtesies that were once so common.

I don't think we've outgrown courtesy so much as we've outrun it. We don't think we have time anymore to listen to our kids or show them when they don't understand something, and the result is becoming a lack of courtesy.

At the same time, we've gotten too busy looking at what's happening with us to extend a nice gesture or turn a polite phrase towards someone else.

Common courtesy is the gift that keeps on giving. You give a little of it in your daily business, and before you know it, after the shock passes, you'll be getting a little in return.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

~Tamara Zellars Buck is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.