Big thighs join daffodils as harbingers of spring

The days are getting longer. The air is getting warmer. The daffodils will bloom, the birds of spring will chirp.

And, along with all the other astonishing harbingers of spring, Heidi Hall's winter thighs will emerge into the light.

Apparently this event, equal in magnitude to a solar eclipse, is going to happen in sunny Florida on a long weekend later this month -- during shorts weather. It's best the thighs make their first appearance of 2002 in a state I rarely visit and among people I rarely see.

The worst part is that our friends down South have been on a diet and exercise regimen to prepare them for their first 5K run. Thus, I will be standing on the sidelines, possibility eating a breakfast biscuit and some hash browns, while my newly fit friends jog past.

I had every intention of losing some weight before we left, and it's not too late under a plan I've devised that would require me dropping 25 pounds per week minimum. It started out as 5 pounds a week, but as the deadline approached without any actual dietary modification, I had to raise my expectations.

The truth is, I have absolutely no willpower. I pat myself on the back for not smoking all week and then puff half a pack in the course of three hours sitting in a bar. (Did I mention I drink, too?) It seems I have a huge appetite for everything that's bad for me.

It's not as though I'm eating these exquisite meals that I simply can't leave behind. Most of them either are handed to me out a window or are available on an "all you can eat" basis, obtained by jostling other large diners out of the way so I can get plenty of mediocre food.

I have been a weight-loss center client in three cities now, and Cape Girardeau will be on that list after my trip.

That kind of program works for me because it requires self-control and accountability. Someone else is going to know if I added a couple more fat cells to my burgeoning butt over the weekend.

But it always happens the same way. I sign up. I do very well. I wonder why I am paying these people so much money per week just to weigh me when I have a scale at home. I get frustrated by my eager-beaver fellow clients.

(My two favorite stories ever: One woman proudly told the group she could duplicate an Outback Steakhouse Bloomin' Onion only without the fat by slicing up an onion, sprinkling bread crumbs over it and then putting it in the microwave for a few minutes. Another woman, upon learning I hadn't lost any weight one week, suggested I try eating carrot sticks with fat-free salad dressing instead of sweets. What amazing insight!)

So I quit the program with every intention of continuing on my own, only to regain the weight plus more.

Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? The Other Half had a salad, a baked sweet potato and a grilled chicken breast for lunch Tuesday. Before dinner, he announced he had to eat light because of his big meal earlier.

"It was a chicken breast and a baked sweet potato!" I reminded him incredulously.

"Yes," he said. "But that sweet potato had a pat of butter on it."

He is attempting to drive me insane, but I'd do well to follow his example when it comes to food.

And I will, once I'm signed up for the weight-loss center. Maybe I'll try making sausage links out of bran flakes and pork rinds out of potato peels.

It could work.

Heidi Hall is managing editor of the Southeast Missourian.