Being and being marriedness

Sept. 28, 2006

Dear David,

DC and I had our 13th wedding anniversary earlier this week. She had to work until 9 that night, so we didn't shake, rattle and roll much. Gifts and cards were exchanged, and we made plans to really celebrate soon.

Thirteen years ago we were staying at a rustic cabin in Big Sur among the ghosts of Henry Miller, Jack Kerouac and Edward Weston. DC had laryngitis and I'm not much for monologues, so the candlelit dinners were quiet. Eating in silence has its pleasures. Now we often eat dinner together in front of the TV while she complains that the Cardinals seem to play baseball every night or while I complain that a television show about antiques packs little drama. That's a kind of togetherness.

A couple of years before our marriage I'd read "Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love" by John Welwood. I was in my early 40s and concerned whether I'd ever find my way along that path.

The book asserts that an intimate relationship with another person is the most difficult and rewarding spiritual journey anyone can take.

Welwood: "The love between intimate partners presents a sacred challenge -- to go beyond the single-minded pursuit of purely personal gratifications, to overcome the war between self and other, and to discover what is most essential and real -- the depths and heights of life as a whole. Through helping us heal our alienation from life, from other people, and from ourselves, relationship becomes a sacred path."

I could have become a monk or a pilgrim familiar at holy shrines or an ash-covered yogi begging for alms. But that would have been too easy. Being married is the spiritual equivalent of firewalking

Some people say being married is easy. I say those people have quit trying.

Being married means sharing bathwater when necessary and not minding.

Being married means trying to understand your spouse's logic even when you know you can't and not minding.

Being married means surrendering your right to be right and not minding.

In the '70s, Erich Segal, the pop novelist, said love is never having to say you're sorry. Then John Lennon said love is having to say you're sorry a thousand times a day. I think Lennon knew the truth.

You know the famous passage from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." The words are on our refrigerator alongside the Post-it notes, reminders and signposts along this sacred path.

Love, Sam

Sam Blackwell is managing editor of the Southeast Missourian.