Being alone or lonely

"After my wife died, I had to learn how to live alone without being lonely," Ray said. I liked the way he arranged his words explaining the difference between being alone and loneliness. I looked into myself!

I enjoy solitude -- because I usually have little. Time alone allows for talks with God and time to re-establish my priorities. I can weed my mind of clutter. Then I can refill that void with thoughts of joy, future plans and gratitude, and of others. Without time apart from the world and other people, I continually run a race trying to keep up with the traffic jam inside my head. It only becomes more chaotic, busy and confusing until I finally take the time to sort everything out!

However, after the death of Ray's wife, Meg, he faced a different challenge than the "busyness" I encounter. "I realize it's a good thing to sometimes be alone," Ray said. "But until I adjusted to my wife's absence, my alone time was spent in loneliness."

As I pondered the passion of Jesus, I remembered his feelings of being alone. Although he often went off by himself to pray during his ministry, his wait for death was different. This time he faced a dreaded ordeal. When his loved ones -- his disciples -- failed to stay awake with him for even one hour, their seeming lack of concern only increased his pain (Mark 13:37). His time alone then turned into loneliness -- his solitude warped by his lack of support from those closest to him.

When people are learning to live alone, there's no one-size-fits-all pattern. Everyone must design his own way of coping while learning from mistakes. We must decide and choose what attitude we're going to have. Are we going to indulge in self-pity and rebel against our situation? Or will we make the choice to live life with faith and hope?

Those who sail boats often say, "It's not the direction of the wind that decides where you're going; it's how you set your sail." Many remember this lesson when they're forced to live alone.

When you live alone you must create structure and include others in your plans or become a part of theirs. Lack of communication can be a major problem for those living by themselves, robbing them of life's color and joy. Many who successfully live alone say they had to get out of themselves. The Rev. Vaughan Quinn, author of "Are You Happy," says that preoccupation with self is perhaps the single greatest cause of unhappiness.

According to author Dorothy Edgerton, "Anyone who lives alone soon discovers that boredom is fertile ground for depression and self-pity." She jots down lists of things she's been putting off. Make specific plans -- especially for holidays, weekends and evenings. Attempt to take control of your life and do what you've always wanted to do but couldn't. Set your own standards without listening to everything people tell you to do with your life.

"Keep your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind," says George M. Mardikian. Whether living alone is an adventure or hardship depends on your attitude and decisions. Learn to appreciate who you are and your unique gifts. How you experience being alone -- as loneliness or as solitude -- is determined by the way you see yourself. Since you may no longer have all your former companions to reflect back to who and what you are, you can now furnish the answers by "getting to know yourself."

It's often difficult, but reach out your hand and you'll find it's being held steady in God's grasp.

Ellen Shuck is director of religious education at St. Mary's Cathedral in Cape Girardeau.