Bathrooms add to disasters

Bathrooms aren't just a necessity. They're downright frustrating for parents.

That's because when you're in one, all hell breaks loose.

It can be a perfectly calm, Norman Rockwell evening in our home until Joni or I go to the bathroom.

Invariably, some disaster strikes. Our daughters, Becca and Bailey, suffer all manner of calamities at times like these.

The other night while I was in the bathroom, Bailey decided to get out the ice cream from the freezer. She couldn't reach the ice cream, but she did manage to spark an avalanche of frozen pizzas which landed on her head -- causing her to cry out with alarm.

You can't get any reading done in the bathroom when that occurs.

At any rate, I'm convinced that there's a mysterious connection between bathrooms and disasters. Frozen pizzas don't crush your child when you're not in the bathroom. Disaster knows when parents are stuck in the bathroom and takes advantage of it.

The problem doesn't surface when the kids are in the bathroom unless you want to count the occasional flood that results from taking a bath.

At age 6, Bailey is most prone to disasters, but Becca has had her share of mishaps too, notably falling down the stairs when tripped up by scattered clothes.

It's best if children grow up wearing helmets and knee pads even in the house. That way, they can avoid being pummeled by pizzas and other frozen food.

So far, the federal government's Occupational Safety and Health Administration hasn't stepped in to require safety belts on all frozen food or other precautions.

If it does, it might take a hard look at bathrooms and what part they play in life's daily disasters.

Parents have long wanted to put their children in protective custody while they attended to nature's call. That way, they could be assured that no disaster would arise.

When man invented the bathroom, he had no intention of wrecking home life. He never envisioned it as a bad omen until he became a dad.

Parents have learned through constant practice that going to the bathroom involves a lot of shouting to their children, warning them to put a lid on that sibling rivalry and not fight over computer games or go into hysterics over collapsing dining room furniture.

One of these years soon, contractors will start installing video monitors in bathrooms so we can keep tabs on just what is happening in our homes while we're stuck on the toilet.

Anyone who thinks a bathroom doubles as a good reading room doesn't have kids.

Most parents barely have time to skim newspaper headlines before disaster strikes.

Like other parents, I've tried the I'm-ignoring-it approach. The trouble is, it doesn't work.

When your child is attacked by frozen pizzas, you can't ignore the cries for help. You can't depend on your other children for help either.

Becca was in the other room when the tragedy occurred. She was slow to react, probably figuring that her sister just tripped over our puppy's water bowl.

After a few minutes of listening helplessly to all that wailing, I sprinted from the bathroom on a rescue mission to the kitchen.

Within short order, I had Bailey back on her feet and order restored to the freezer.

When it comes to bathroom breaks, parents just hope there are no broken bones.

Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.