Baby sticker shock

New babies can generate weeping and wailing at decibel levels you thought were only possible at airport runways and Aerosmith concerts.

And your child might do some crying, too.

You say this isn't what you expected when you were expecting? Welcome to the sisterhood. It seems even the stylish strumpets of HBO's "Sex and the City" aren't exempt from the sticker shock new moms often experience.

On a recent episode, Miranda, played by Cynthia Nixon, lamented about her constantly crying newborn: "He's not sick, he's not hungry, he's not teething; he just wants to scream. I'm doing everything I can, but I can't please him.

"If he was 35, this is when we would break up."

Helpful hints from those who work with new moms might help you through the tough times when you're not sure what you fear most: Going back to your paying job, or staying home with this perplexing little person.

Crying -- yours or baby's -- might not be the biggest problem.

You might feel overwhelmed and isolated. You might fear you won't be the mom your mother was. You might fear you will be the mom your mother was. And the fact that this motherhood business has a pretty steep learning curve can come as a surprise.

That's why Meredith Gruenwald, R.N., assistant manager of the Family Birthplace at St. Francis Medical Center in Cape Girardeau, said it's best to limit visitors even before new moms arrive at the hospital.

"Talk to the friends and family before the baby is born and ask, 'Could we have short visits so we can learn what we're supposed to do?'" she said. "Parents need to pick up as much information as they can from the hospital staff so they can learn about the baby."

Columbia, S.C., pediatrician Robert Walker said it's common to see lots of stress in new moms who are career women like "Sex and the City's" Miranda, a lawyer.

"Often with highly educated women, they're used to being in control, and this baby just doesn't do what they want," he said. "It rocks them like nothing else in their lives has."

Carefully honed negotiating skills may work with difficult colleagues, but they're useless with a squalling newborn. And a new mother faces challenges such as breastfeeding at a time when she's tired and frazzled.

"We are very supportive of breastfeeding, which although it's natural, doesn't come naturally to a lot of mothers," Walker said.

Anyone who wants to improve her parenting skills can do so, he said, but the first step is to go easier on yourself. "You're not expected to be perfect; this baby is not something you can control."

Postpartum stress

Denise Altman of Irmo, S.C., is another expert on postpartum stress. She counsels women about it -- and has experienced it.

Altman and her husband, Jim, welcomed twin daughters two years ago. They already had a 2-year-old. And there was one more source of stress for Altman, a registered nurse and internationally certified expert on breastfeeding.

"I'm a lactation consultant, so I had to successfully breastfeed twins," she said. "I put a lot of pressure on myself."

Visitors and house guests can make things worse, even when they want to help. Registered nurse Carmen Cox, assistant manager of the obstetrics department at Southeast Missouri Hospital in Cape Girardeau, said new moms need plenty of assistance once they get home, even if some don't ask for it.

"Most women who go home from the hospital have been here 24 to 36 hours, maybe 48 hours, and they are expected to do all the things they always did, plus take care of the baby," Cox said. "I think we're expected to be able to handle it."

Instead, mothers just home from the hospital need guests who will pitch in during their visits.

Paula McCormack, 30, of Jackson, Mo., came home with baby Jack in mid-August and said she appreciates help from her husband and two daughters, ages 11 and 13. Jack is a good baby and doesn't require an exceptional amount of attention, but it's still tough to recover from a caesarian section and get ahead on housework.

"It would be nice if someone would come over and throw a load of laundry in the washer or some dishes in the dishwasher," McCormack said. "If that happened, I think I would pass out."

Shift in values

Not long ago, pressure was even worse for women who stayed home with their babies, Walker noted. As others dropped their kids in day care and went off to "have it all," full-time moms such as McCormack were derided as underachieving frumps.

"Now, I think the pendulum has sort of swung back the other way," Walker said, as more people recognize it's good to devote more time at home to kids when possible.

Regardless of their mothering decisions, he said, women can limit their stress by realizing each baby already has a personality. When dealing with a feisty one, it might help to read a book such as "The Strong-Willed Child" by James Dobson, he said. Also remind yourself that the next stage of childhood may be easier for you to handle.

And you might take a cue from Miranda, who found a new pal on "Sex and the City."

"What she realized is that her single friends are of no help to her now," Walker said. "Sometimes you need supportive friends who can help you and commiserate with you."

Southeast Missourian managing editor Heidi Hall contributed to this report.

AFTER BABY ARRIVES

Tips from Carmen Cox, R.N., B.S.N., assistant nurse manager of obstetrics at Southeast Missouri Hospital:

Join a breastfeeding support group. Southeast's, for instance, has someone on call 24 hours a day in case moms need help after hours.

If new mothers need to rest, they can ask hospital workers to regulate the volume of visitors.

Fathers should be there to listen and understand. If they can take time off work to help around the house, do errands, do the increased amount of laundry, care for other children and be a gatekeeper for visitors, all the better.

Most women can expect postpartum blues at some level, whether just feeling down or not yourself to irrational thoughts and feelings. If a new mother gets to the point where she doesn't want to get out of bed or care for the baby, it's time to seek counseling.

Tips from Meredith Gruenwald, R.N., B.S.N., assistant manager of the Family Birthplace at St. Francis Medical Center:

Housekeeping is not a priority when the baby comes home. If family and friends offer to do something, let them, even if it isn't done the way you think it should be. And if they offer to bring over a meal and ask what you'd like, tell them.

Try to take short periods of time for yourself throughout the day. Take a bath, take a nap or sip a cup of tea. Don't clean the house while the baby's napping. Use the time selfishly.

Everybody has lots of advice. Smile politely, nod your head and then do what you feel is right for you.

In the first three or four weeks, get a trusted sitter so mom and dad can have a dinner out and just be together without having to worry about taking care of the baby. Take time out to work on the relationship.