A LIKELY STORY: SO LONG, OLD FRIEND: THE YEAR IN REVIEW

In 1996 there was more O.J., an election, the burglaries and, oh yeah, I got married.

The friends of 1996 are beginning to worry.

They say he's looking haggard and worn, a mere shadow of his formerly vibrant self. I heard he's been diagnosed with some sort of cancer, a malignant malady that promises to steal his life in time. The doctors have given him about three weeks but some whisper among themselves that they don't expect he'll live to see the new year.

As with any year, some will be glad he's leaving and others will be sorry to see him go. Whether mourning or celebrating, all think the best way to cope is to mark his passing with a party. I hope the same occurs when my time comes in, say, 60 years.

A lot of noteworthy things happened in 1996 that are of particular interest to those of us who make it our business to keep track of such things. The big thing obviously was the re-election of Bill Clinton, who won almost effortlessly over Bob Dole in November.

During the campaign, we in Cape Girardeau had a summer visit from the man who would be a good president if it wasn't for all the stupid things he keeps doing. I try to console myself with the fact that he seems to have the best intentions.

Jack Kemp made an October visit to Jackson, shamelessly tossing out campaign cliches along with plastic footballs. I bet most of those footballs, originally thought to be someday-worth-something mementos, ended up in many a toy box after the election.

The year also offered a sequel of the 1995 box-office hit, "The O.J. Simpson Trial." Producers finally found somebody who could convincingly play the part of O.J. So much so that they even gave him a few speaking lines such as "I meant to say I REALLY didn't do it ... Really ... Swear to God."

The new flick, "Verdict Wars: The Family Strikes Back" chronicles the not-so-civil civil trial. It looks to have a better ending than its predecessor but will still leave viewers with a sour taste in their mouths as they are forced to watch the man, who has proven singlehandedly that our judicial system is not without its flaws, smile and walk away a free man.

Two thumbs down, I say. Let's hope they don't opt for a trilogy.

Closer to home, Cape Girardeau was hit by what only can be called a crime wave as a couple of sickos decided that breaking into homes occupied by the elderly and robbing them was a good idea. Either he has taken on some colleagues or has set a new trend.

With no arrests and the number standing at 16 and growing every week, the problem looks to carry over into '97. So much for crime not paying.

Personally, 1996 has been a great year for me. I got a promotion at work and a promotion at home, something that I am especially grateful for.

At work I went from the special publications department to the newsroom. I'm finally doing something I enjoy and have made many friends from whom I have learned a great deal. If I have taught these friends anything, it would have to be not to leave your jacket unattended at a bar, a valuable lesson that I'm sure they treasure.

At home, I was promoted from single to married -- and that is a promotion -- I don't care how much teasing room this allows David Angier. The August wedding stands out as my personal highlight of the year. Lori may have dropped the ring during the ceremony but she never dropped the ball; she does everything gracefully.

I also watched my little boy Zach turn 5 this year. He's a good boy and I'm glad his mother has allowed me to spend more time with him this year. I've come to realize he's got much of his father in him. He recently sat at the computer making an abstract drawing, and upon completion announced: "I'm a genius, ain't I, Dad?" Maybe I'm partial, but I tend to agree and told him so.

Yes, 1996 is nearly over. And I admit it was a very good year for me. But the future is always more exciting than the past, don't you think? You just never know what's going to happen. So while we toast 1996, let us take a moment to look to 1997 in wonder at what he may hold.

Happy new year.

~Scott Moyers is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.