A LIKELY STORY: CHASING THAT 1995 DODGE NEON RAINBOW

As I delicately closed the door of the new-to-me 1995 Dodge Neon, I was immediately overwhelmed with memories of my first kiss and the first time I had eaten strawberry ice cream.

My favorite memory -- that day on the high school football field when I scored the winning touchdown against our high-school rivals -- also came back, though I know that never happened. People who know me will laugh at the idea of me catching anything propelled in my general direction.

All of these memories that I experienced told me one thing: This car was for me. If only I could convince Lori that we could afford it.

Apparently, the Malibu I had been driving had decided that it no longer felt going in reverse was as important as it once may have seemed. Maybe the car felt, rightly so, that it had put in its time and it was tired of constantly taking one step back for every two steps forward.

Or maybe it was ready to just sit around in a friendly junk yard instead of chasing every emergency vehicle that comes along at such high speeds of 38 or occasionally even its highest clocked speed -- a death-defying 45 miles an hour.

Regardless, that car was no more and now I couldn't stop myself from caressing the steering wheel and turning the shiny knobs that had no practical use I could determine.

Same thing for all the gauges on the dash. There were four and, other than the speedometer, I had no idea what they meant or showed. They might have indicated time travel or warp drive for all I knew.

One said 10,000:1. I figured that was showing me the highly uneven odds that Lori was going to let me buy this car. Nil. Nada. Zero.

Aristotle once said, "Wicked men obey from fear; good men, from love." At least if this book of quotes is right, and I suspect it is. It's called "Quotes for Those Who Hate To Read Anything Other Than Sunday Cartoons But Still Want to Sound Like a Smarty-pants In Their Newspaper Columns."

All columnists have a copy of this book. I have two.

Anyway, Aristotle must have been onto something but you could tell he was single. If he had been married, he might have said something like: "Married men obey from fear; single men don't have to worry about obeying by taking out the trash three times a week and missing out on golf and new cars because the wife says they both cost too much and shouldn't we be spending that money on a toaster oven anyway?"

When I say married men obey from fear, it's not in the sense that we're afraid that our wives might beat us up. Not that mine isn't capable.

I was just afraid she wasn't going to let me buy the car that I felt I had to have.

So on the afternoon after we first looked at the car, I decided the best way to gain her favor was to be such a nice guy that she couldn't say no.

I took out the trash without being asked, mopped the kitchen floor, and even did the dishes. And then I asked her if we could get the car and she said yes. It's all mine and it's beautiful. And all it took was a little manipulating to get what I want. Women are so gullible.

But you'll excuse me if I cut this short.

I have some laundry to do.

Scott Moyers is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.