A healthy helping of confusion

I enjoy a good sub sandwich every now and then.

In fact, they're one of the few semi-healthy things Cape Girardeau has to offer in the way of food that actually leaves me with a sense of accomplishment.

"Yes! You chose not to eat at (insert greasy fastfood restaurant name here). Way to go Sam," I proudly think to myself as I order the unhealthiest foot-long filled with things that would make your blood cells scream in agony.

It appears that one local sandwich shop has gotten many more options when it comes to stuff you can add to your sandwich and, quite frankly, it's overwhelming me.

"I'd like a foot-long pizza sub," I'll say to the employee who looks like he'd rather jump out of a burning airplane with an anvil tied to his back than make my sandwich.

"What do you want on it?" he'll ask.

This is where I went terribly wrong one time. It happened at the drive-through when I was in a hurry to get home, so I just shouted, "Um, everything!"

When I sat down and opened it, a violent explosion of toppings blasted me back a good 20 yards. What lay strewn about me were things I actually didn't think were supposed to be within a 500-foot radius of bread, let alone actually ON it.

Strange looking olives, jalapenos, ZZ Top and mustards of all kinds were scattered about my kitchen.

So it was no surprise that I panicked during a recent visit when they asked me what I wanted on my steak-and-cheese sub.

My eyes darted back and forth as I nervously glanced up into the overly anxious face of the employee. His hand twitched by the lettuce as if we were about to have a duel in the Old West.

I half-expected a tumbleweed to blow between us, and Clint Eastwood to pop up from behind the counter with my medium drink.

"I'll just take mayonnaise!" I blurted out, sounding as though I couldn't control the volume of my voice.

I thought about what I was eating as I stuffed it in my mouth -- a mayonnaise-covered steak-and-cheese sub as long as a ruler.

I looked toward the door, waiting for the Surgeon General to come in and punch me in the face, followed by Richard Simmons who would perform a choreographed slap to the shoulder.

I have now learned I need to take my time when it comes to ordering at this particular restaurant. It's just that I never know what's good on the sandwich I'm having.

Maybe I should just order the same thing over and over with different combinations until I find the perfect mixture. That's probably what most customers do. Of course they probably never went with the steak, cheese and mayonnaise combo.

And ZZ Top probably isn't in their kitchen playing "Sharp Dressed Man."

Sam DeReign attends Southeast Missouri State University. Contact him at sdereign@semissourian.com.