A DAY IN THE LIFE: SO MANY WORLDS, SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE DONE

Okay, I'll let you settle this. How much work is the groom responsible for in the planning of a wedding? Lori and I got into a bit of a scuffle this weekend over this. She says I should do about half. I say none. What do you think?

I don't actually believe that I should be entirely detached from the whole wedding-planning process. But I think she should consult with me only in extreme emergencies -- when beer or meat trays are involved. Last weekend, she had the nerve to try to coerce me into helping her make out invitations. What was she thinking?

She became irritated with me when I told her I'd rather NOT help her make out invitations but thanked her for asking. She told me that I wasn't doing my share of work for the wedding and became aggravated, angry and totally uncommunicative when I told her I thought my entire duty lie in showing up.

Lori can be so emotional sometimes.

Seriously, I really wouldn't mind helping out with the wedding. Honestly. But for the first nine months of our engagement she hardly consulted with me for the major decisions. She picked out the church. She chose the reception hall. She selected the decorations.

She all but ignored me when I objected to a female minister performing the wedding. She had the nerve to call me stupid when I suggested that our guests throw steamed rice as opposed to the traditional, boring, white, uncooked variety.

She had it ALL under control.

In fact, she would kiss me and tell me not to worry about it, she'd "take care of everything, baby."

So I decided to butt out. I say decided but there was no real decision involved. I had no choice. She didn't really want my help and I don't mind telling you I didn't mind one little bit.

That is, she didn't want my help until some actual work that wasn't fun came up. Over drinks, she told me that I think of the wedding as her "pet project." She said she wasn't calling me lazy but added that I only work hard at what I think is important, leaving the obvious implication that I don't think marrying her is important.

To the contrary. I think marrying her is probably the most consequential thing I've ever done and maybe will ever do. One question, though: what does that have to do with filling out invitations?

Besides, it's not really in a man's blood to prepare for a marriage. It's kind of SUPPOSED to be a woman's job, isn't it? If a man is intended to help, why is there no "Grooms" magazine? There's no "Modern Groom," or "Groom Guide" either.

Every minister, gift register and reception hall coordinator must agree with me. Everyone we talked to only seemed interested in Lori's wishes, oblivious to me.

Take JCPenny for example (where we are registered for those of you who would like to send us gifts, care of the Southeast Missourian, 301 Broadway, Cape Girardeau, Mo., 63702). The gift registry manager there never once asked me if I agreed with Lori about mauve making a suitable bathroom color. And I was never asked if I liked the blue or aqua toilet covers.

In fact, when I asked what the difference between blue and aqua was they both rolled their eyes at me, not believing the stupidity they had to deal with. Lori even looked a little embarrassed.

Which brings me to my point. Men don't help out with weddings because we'd foul it up anyway. Those of you who are hitched, think of your weddings. Did the man have a large role in the preparation and planning of the wedding? And if he did, don't the women think that the wedding would have been a lot better if he hadn't?

Men aren't known as especially creative creatures. The most imaginative we get is when deciding which kinds of toppings to put on our pizzas and even then we tend to be simple and predictable.

Some men actually believe "meaty" is a topping.

Not that we don't have our purposes. Taxes, being president, lawn care, buying dinner and car maintenance tend to be our areas of expertise. But we'll leave the wedding plans to the women.

And they should be thankful for it.

~Scott Moyers is the editor of the Jackson USA Signal.