A DAY IN THE LIFE: A ROSE FROM ANY OTHER BOY

The daily ritual phone conversation with my fiance was going well enough at first.

My fiance -- we'll call her Lori because, after all, that IS her name -- is in Kansas City in medical school so she can support me in the style to which I want to become accustomed.

She never really WANTED to attend medical school, but I made her.

"You want to live on MY salary?" I asked. She was packing before I even finished the sentence.

We're to be married in August of next year, so being apart is difficult. We talk for 15 minutes every day and normally the conversation is pleasant.

We talk about our day or things that are bothering us. School and work and how much we miss each other. (Aww, isn't that sweet?) Usually, I really enjoy it.

But not on this day.

The conversation was normal until she shared the certain part of her day when, upon returning to her apartment, she found a rose on her door.

Accompanying this symbol of undying love was this poetic, romantic card: "Something beautiful for someone beautiful, until we meet."

She told me this in the casual way that women have, trying to sound as if it was no big deal, happens all the time. I'm sure she was smelling the rose even as we spoke.

The obvious thing to do was to be jealous, so of course I was.

Wouldn't you be? Some guy was watching my bride-to-be and not having good Christian thoughts.

What if he was some sick psycho gardener looking to eat the meat off some innocent girl's bones?

I think I had a right to be at least concerned. (Though I should warn him if he's looking for innocence, my fiance's about as innocent as O.J.)

The only thought worse than him being a psychopath was that maybe he wasn't. I don't need the competition.

For example, what if this guy looks like the guy from the Diet Coke commercial?

You've seen him. In the commercial he's a construction worker who, while taking a break, peels off his shirt to reveal a tan, muscular physique. Then he enjoys a refreshing diet beverage, while several nerdy secretaries watch him from their office.

What if my fiance's secret admirer looks like that?

Or worse, what if it IS the Diet Coke guy that gave her the rose? Maybe his acting career didn't quite go the way he planned. He starts to get a soda gut from all those Diet Cokes, so he gives up acting and moves to Kansas City to find a pretty med student to take care of him. (Hey! That's MY idea!)

He slips a rose in her door and shows up one day.

"Hello, I'm the Diet Coke guy," he says to her, pulling his shirt off, just to prove it.

Scott who?

So now it's decided. I have to pack up my things and go to Kansas City and confront that Diet Coke guy.

I mean, he's big and the heaviest thing my job requires I lift is a pen, but I think I can take him.