Why I Can Never Run For Office

by Chris Morrill

Since I'm so interested in politics, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two that maybe I could actually run for public office someday.

It's not like I haven't made some moves like that in the past. However, my previous history of holding elective office has been, ah, spotty at best.

For example, I was president of the Junior High Student Council at my school, by golly, and still have the gavel to prove it. Unfortunately, my main accomplishment in that post was to try and re-write the Student Council Constitution to give the President nearly dictatorial powers. This didn't play well with the rest of the Council that I was trying to disenfranchise, for obvious reasons, and I was nearly impeached.

Then I was elected, with a whopping three or four votes, to the county committees of both the Republican Party (in the early 90's) and the Libertarian Party (in the early 00's) in my wee little home county. My main accomplishments on both of those occasions was to try and find increasingly creative reasons to skip monthly committee meetings.

Then, there was that time I was elected to the Student Senate in college even though I didn't campaign at all. My main accomplishment that year was to vote "no" on nearly every single issue, regardless of merit. Oh, yes, and showing up to Senate meetings only after "brushing up on campus issues" at the Playdium, a popular and longstanding tavern right across the street from the college's football stadium.

So, as an adult, whenever I get the urge to run for any office, I am stopped dead in my tracks by one inescapable fact: I would be a dreadful, awful, laughable, heinously unelectable candidate.

Let's play a hypothetical situation here, and say Chris decided to run for Congress. He hires two pretty, young, nubile, female, naïve, unemployed, relatively inexperienced Poli Sci graduates (preferably with predilections for knee-high stockings and plaid skirts) from the local college to run his campaign. Their unenviable task: to try and make Chris a more appealing candidate.

Talk about a Sisyphean task.

The conversation would go something like this:

Campaign Manager #1: "Well, first things first. Let's feel out our candidate's weaknesses. Does Chris have any skeletons in the closet that the media can pick on? Any bimbo eruptions? Illegitimate kids? Illicit affairs?"

Campaign Manager #2: "Nope. In order to have a sex scandal, there has to be sex involved. His record on that is sporadic at best, pathetic at worst. So we don't have to worry about that."

Campaign Manager #1: "Excellent. Okay, any drug issues? Arrests? A shady past? Anything else the opponent can smear him with?"

Campaign Manager #2: "Nope, he's never been to jail. He's a boring guy that definitely needs to get out more. And as far as drugs go, he's one of the few Libertarians on the planet that advocates drug legalization but has never done drugs himself."

Campaign Manager #1: "Well, considering he looks like Doogie Howser, it's no surprise he's a boring bastard."

Campaign Manager #2: "Hmm. Well, there are reports of occasional visits to strip clubs. And a peculiar affinity for late 80's/early 90's X-rated rap music. I don't think that's enough to sink him. But we do have unconfirmed reports that he has drank nearly 20,000 Stag beers since the first Clinton administration."

Campaign Manager #1: "Oh, the humanity!"

Campaign Manager #2: "Eh, it's not that bad of a situation. There's plenty of beer drinkers around here."

Campaign Manager #1: "Yes, but Stag? Isn't there a law against that?"

Campaign Manager #2: "Not yet, but there probably should be. So, Morrill's personal life is pretty much squeaky clean. What else do we need to worry about?"

Campaign Manager #1: "His social skills are just a step above the Dustin Hoffman character in 'Rainman'. And he's got a very foul mouth. Instead of walking around muttering 'K-Mart sucks,' he's just as likely to come right out and say '$@#! K-Mart.' He's a huge walking id."

Campaign Manager #2: "That would make for some interesting TV and newspaper interviews."

Campaign Manager #1: "You're telling me. He's blunt, rude, crude, and boorish. He burps a lot, sometimes in public. He thinks no one can hear him, but they do. He pops his fingers, toes, neck, back, etc. at inappropriate times. He rolls his eyes a lot and yawns or sighs very loudly when he's bored; in a debate, he could potentially be even more obnoxious than Al Gore."

Campaign Manager #2: "I didn't think that was possible. So, we have a huge job on our hands here, making him presentable to the public."

Campaign Manager #1: "Well, the old saying goes, 'you can dress him up, but you can't take him out.' I think that applies perfectly to Chris. I mean, politicians are supposed to like people. Chris doesn't. He sees them as annoyances. He'd rather insult someone than kiss their butt, a tactic which only works for Hillary Clinton."

Campaign Manager #2: "Alright then, how about his policy issues?"

Campaign Manager #1: "He's a freakin' nightmare. He can never get elected with his current platform."

Campaign Manager #2: "What do you mean?"

Campaign Manager #1: "He's an anti-government Libertarian loon. For goodness' sake, his healthcare plan is called 'The Crawl in a Ditch and Die Healthcare Plan'."

Campaign Manager #2: "Oh, my."

Campaign Manager #1: "If you think that's bad, don't even ask about his 'Buy Your Owned Damned Drugs, You Freeloading Geritol-Sucking Geriatric Bastards' prescription drug plan."

Campaign Manager #2: "Holy cow!"

Campaign Manager #1: "And I'm not even going to get into his 'Starvation Is Great Motivation' welfare plan."

Campaign Manager #2: "I think I'm going to be ill."

Campaign Manager #1: "You lightweight. I haven't even got to the part about Chris' 'Eat the Poor' plan. If the poor are undercooked under Chris' plan, you'll be ill then for sure."

Campaign Manager #2: "Excuse me. What did you just say?"

Campaign Manager #1: "You heard it. 'Eat the Poor.' He says it's the only way to make the poor productive members of society. After all, they get fattened up real good on the government teat. They're just begging to be roasted on a spit. Chances are, according to Chris, they'd just taste like chicken."

Campaign Manager #2: "But, everything tastes like chicken.

Campaign Manager #1: "Precisely. And although homeless, drunken winos may not have much meat on their bones, they've slowly marinated themselves over time with any number of fine wines (Night Train, Mad Dog, Thunderbird, etc.), so Chris says they'll probably taste as good as the fat folks."

Campaign Manager #2: "That's ghastly!"

Campaign Manager #1: "So are his chances for actually getting elected."

Campaign Manager #2: "No kidding. Let's quit while we're behind."

Campaign Manager #1: "I hear the local strip club is hiring."

Campaign Manager #2: "No way. We'll never get away from him then."

So, there you have it, ladies and gents. I can never be the candidate.

I am the hatchet man, the henchman, the toady, the (sometimes) loyal lieutenant, the master of dirty tricks that stays behind the scenes. If you want a hit piece written about a local politico, you come to me. If you want a hatchet job written up to smear a town father, I'm your man. If you want a good laugh and a heaping helping of honesty, you come to me.

Alas, I will never rule the world. But I would be a damned good Propaganda Minister.