The Ten Commandments of Fast Food Discovered

by Tom Edwards

In a find that will rival some of the greatest archaeological breakthroughs of all mankind, scientists someday will discover an inscription chiseled into the concrete underneath a grease receptacle behind an undisclosed fast food joint in an undisclosed location in this country. It will read:

Thou Shalt Not Diddle in Thy Drive Thru

The startling vastness of options on a fast food marquee can be overwhelming-enough to cause a mental lock-up. Tip: The numbers next to the pictures of the value meals are invaluable in the event that one or more members of your entourage have trouble reading words like 'fry', 'coke', or the ever pesky, 'filet'. They also come in handy for the really drunk, as well as the illiterate.

Thou Shalt Not Ask for Separate Orders

Five separate food and cash transactions to one automobile: $3.24, $5.62, $2.10, $1.03, $9.79.

Seeing that automobile inch out into an intersection and stall before being flattened by a steam roller: Priceless.

Thou Shalt Not Question What Is In or On Thy Burger

That black squiggly hair-looking thing on your burger is most likely a burnt string of cheese. The only other alternative being that a recently expelled high school behemoth from the wrestling team was just keeping your all beef patty warm underneath his armpit-and that has never occurred in any fast food kitchen, ever.

Thou Shalt Not 'Regular' Size

Don't deny yourself the pleasures of a veritable tanker full of sugary sweet goodness and enough fried potatoes to grease your entrails like the ever churning derricks of sweet mother crude out in the crusty, sun charred earth of west Texas-all for an extra 39 cents, prepubescent diabetes, and a super-size on your handlebars of love.

Thou Shalt Not Eat Thy Entire Meal While Behind Thy Wheel

With an icy beverage wedged in the crotch, maintaining testicular temperature at a healthy 36.3 degrees, and a sack full of dwindling fries, there is always a looming temptation to take a bite of the burger. To do so would violate the laws of the road, for I do not remember 'The Merits of Driving with the Knee' section in this fine state's motorist handbook, Mr.I Can't Drive 55--and Not Eat a Cheeseburger.

Thou Shalt Not Pay for Thy Meal With Thy Pocket Change

Emptying out the change in the ashtray may seem like a viable way of using 4 pounds of Lincoln's and Roosevelt's to pay for a meal that costs a little more than 3 Washington's. Though technically this mass of currency must be accepted by law, technically the next time you come back through the drive thru lucky enough to have your grubbies on a Benjamin, and order a number 2, the lady will drop a whole sandwich bag full of 97 Sacagawea's in your lap. (These coins used to be all the rage. Even the post office seemed a little more fun with these gold ladies floating about. Now people exchange them like Haitian Death Medallionettes.)

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Burger

A burger is a man's possession-respected, protected, and regarded as one of the highest expressions of cow for man's solitary consumption-alone-- in peace-with his grateful thoughts directed toward The Great Cheeseburger Creator in the Sky-free from the lustful beady eyes of his deadbeat friend, foe, or family member who fell into the age-old trap of ordering what is known as 'The Filet 'o Fish'.

Thou Shalt Not Swipeth Thy Credit Card for Thy Value Meal

There's no need to whip out the plastic at any place where the wait staff wears a paper hat, the silverware is made by Dixie, and you can take a gander out the window while munching on post-formed chicken parts at some hyperactive youngster continuously racking himself on a hippopotamus anchored to bedrock by a giant iron spring. This isn't exactly Le Cirque, buddy, although it might very well be hell.

Thou Shalt Not Throw Away Thy Ketchup Packets

No self respecting human, in good conscience, can throw away an unused ketchup packet. The same goes for mustard, mayonnaise, malt vinegar, honey, jam, sweet 'n sour sauce, fire sauce, barbecue sauce, garlic sauce, soy sauce, horsey sauce, tartar sauce, and liquid detergent and fabric softener that comes free in the mail. There are children all over the world that don't have access to good condiments. We do. That's why that little compartment next to the butter compartment in refrigerators exists:To stockpile mad amounts of condiment until the end of humanity.

Thou Shalt Not Laugh at Thy Fast Food Professional's Garb

It is a fact found in the most secretive memos of fast food CEO's: Food service uniforms are designed to make their legions of employees look like dorks. Just imagine the fashion possibilities: Black vinyl orthopaedic shoes, tight burnt sienna polyester pants, a cherry red pinstriped shirt with The Partridge Family collar, and an Elmer Fudd ball cap. To top it all off, there's a name tag-just to keep 'em grounded.