Straight White Male

"Cell" Outs: by David Coleman

Technology is a good thing. It brings advances in medicine, transportation, and communication. However, some people abuse technology at the worst times. A perfect example, cellular phones.

A ringing cellular phone is to a conversation, what a ringing doorbell is to sex--an inexcusable interruption.

Now don't get me wrong, I know cellular phones are a god-send for some. Doctors, expecting parents, and even some business people all "need" to carry cell phones.

But what about the others; the wanna-bes? You know who I'm talking about; these needy people who measure their success by counting the number of gadgets they own. Is their life this shallow?

And who's calling them? Their mom, or maybe another wanna-be? I could probably make a million dollars by starting a calling service. All I would do all day is call people on their cell phones. I can see my slogan now: "You can appear to have a life for only 12 cents a minute."

But what's worse than them having cell phones, is the fact that they take them everywhere they go. It's like the phone is surgically implanted to their hip. God forbid they miss an unimportant call.

I can't count the number times I've of been in a restaurant, only to have my meal interrupted by a ringing phone. One of the reasons I go out is to get away from ringing phones. Now I am forced to listen to half of a stranger's boring conversation.

But it doesn't stop with restaurants. The bars, clubs and parties are flooded with cell phones. Libraries, bookstores, and even parks have caught the cellular virus.

The problem in a nutshell, is that in their quest to be socially connected, the wanna-bes have disconnected themselves from their immediate environment. If you don't believe me, try driving behind a cellular addict, when they're talking on the phone.

But not to fear, I've developed a plan to help this group of pathetic lost souls. I'm calling it "Operation: Face to Face." Here's how it works:

The next time you see a cellular junkie in a social setting, walk up and start speaking. Be patient; it may take their low self-esteem a minute to realize a true flesh and blood person is talking to them. Buying them a drink or asking them to dance, may be required to completely break the "cell spell."

In more severe cases, getting their attention may actually require pretending your a cellular phone. Simply stand on a barstool, raise one of your arms, and have them speak directly into your crotch.

Of course if all else fails- you can always stroke their ego. Just ask to borrow their phone- then hide it when they're not looking.

"Operation: Face to Face" may not be the best plan, but it does beat the alternative. Studies are showing that regular use of cellular phones may effect short-term memory. I guess that means one day, all those cellular wanna-bes will forget to bring their phones with them. Now wouldn't that be a shame?