Screen Time

by Leroy Grey

Curse this stilted publishing schedule! How was I supposed to know that FARENHEIT 9/11 would play in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, of all places? And what's the point of writing about SPIDERMAN 2 if everybody's already seen it and called it the best movie of the year? Meanwhile, I have to resign myself with writing about movies you haven't seen yet, such as:

I, ROBOT

Remember when the 4th of July wasn't the 4th of July without a Will Smith movie? Well, those days aren't back yet, but Will Smith's back on the big screen, and this time, he's trying to be Harrison Ford. Smith plays a cop that hates robots; so, of course, he has to investigate the first murder to have a robot for a prime suspect (called the OJ-D2, I think...)

The makers of the film took the title from an Isaac Asimov story, along with two paragraphs, and threw that on top of a completely different script, and THEN started stealing plot points from BLADE RUNNER. I wouldn't touch this thing with a ten-foot-pole, but director Alex Proyas (THE CROW, DARK CITY) knows how to make smart action movies. If anyone's qualified to remake BLADE RUNNER, it's him, so I'll take my chances. But if Will Smith turns out to be a robot, I'm gonna break something...

BTW, if you like the original Asimov story, look for an "Outer Limits" episode starring Leonard Nimoy.

A CINDERELLA STORY

Yes! The Carl Spackler story! Bill Murray gets back to making funny movies! Now I can totally pretend that CADDYSHACK 2 never happened! I-I-I-I'm all right, don't nobody worry-

Whoops, my mistake...

Five years ago, this movie would have starred Britney Spears. As it is, we get Hilary Duff who can't find a way to the ball. A teen hottie from the WB Network plays her Prince Charming. But the most lasting contribution to the Cinderella film library will probably be the use of the Internet. And everybody knows what kind of Prince Charmings you find on the Internet...

THE BOURNE SUPREMACY

THE BOURNE IDENTITY was about Jason Bourne, amnesiac secret agent, trying to find out his identity. This sequel is about Bourne trying to get his identity back, from someone who's framing him for a series of assassinations.

Robert Ludlum only wrote four Bourne novels before he passed, but that's enough for a franchise. They're just one movie away from making Jason Bourne the American James Bond. And then Matt Damon can pass the role to his buddy Ben, so Affleck can be in a hit movie again. Or would it be more fun to see Affleck play the bad guy?

CATWOMAN

Comic book freaks are rolling their eyes with all the liberties taken on this classic Batman villain; the producers have drained all the Bat-ness out of it. No Dark Knight, no Gotham City, no relevance to the comics whatsoever.

But the fans will still show up. Why? Because Halle Berry's walking around in a pleather half-shirt. That's pretty critic-proof. In fact, this film is just too pretty. Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Benjamin Bratt... Me, I got a place in my heart for Alex Borstein (Ms Swan from "MAD TV".) She had me at "I tell yoo evreeting..."

THE VILLAGE

The director of THE SIXTH SENSE and SIGNS has a new movie out, about a farming community that has a fragile balance with the creatures that live in the surrounding woods. And then, the balance is broken...

Originally, the film was going to be named "The Woods," and star Ashton Kutcher. Sanity prevailed, however.

The week this movie comes out, the Sci-Fi Channel's supposed to air a documentary that reveals some sort of well-guarded secret about the director, M. Night Shyamalan. My guess? Even he can't stay awake while watching his movies.

THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE

The 60's conspiracy classic gets remade by the director of THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. This time, Denzel Washington plays an ex-G.I.-turned-investigator who... look, it was a good movie the first time, and the director's good, and Denzel's a real talent, so it'll probably be a good movie, but how many times is Denzel going to play a cop? Why doesn't he try a comedy, for once? Can you imagine what he would have done with, say, DADDY DAY CARE? Or ALONG CAME POLLY?

THUNDERBIRDS

The Thunderbirds are a family and an international rescue squad. Dad's the inventor and financier, and his sons pilot the giant vehicles (The Thunderbirds) into dangerous missions around the world. They're a precursor to the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Originally, Thunderbirds was a British kids' show from the 60's. Instead of being just another animated cartoon, Thunderbirds was the most action-packed marionette show ever to hit TV screens. That's the big deal behind the big Hollywood production. So I'm sure there's some joke to be made about wooden actors and Ben Kingsley, but I'm getting tired. Just know that this movie is aimed squarely at fans of SPY KIDS and CODY BANKS.

HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE

Two guys with the munchies drive around the state of New Jersey looking for White Castle hamburgers. The scary thing? This is the most original movie to hit theaters this month.

As of press time, I couldn't confirm what or when this month's late show at Wehrenberg was going to be. If you want a really big hint, check out this month's SECRET SCREEN column. It's usually the third weekend of the month, but don't quote me; I'm no journalist...