Kill Your T.V.

by Jason Parker

Vote for me, I'm delicious!

As your leader I promise that the "talent" portion of the Miss America pageant and all other subsequent "beauty" pageants will be removed. Contestants will be solely judged on their looks, the way it was intended.

At tax time, you will have the choice of receiving your refund or equal value in luxury items, particularly big screen t.v.'s and furniture. This way in marital households the significant other who gets stuck with doing the taxes will decide what is best before their partner even knows what the refund amount is.

Hillary Duff, Ashlee Simpson and all other chronically untalented "musicians" will be sent to Canada to suffer....FOREVER.

Marijuana will still be illegal because Wal-mart would make even more money selling 420 t-shirts and pot leaf earrings. That would not be cool.

The legal drinking limit will be lowered to 18. Because if you can die defending your country in a foreign war at 18 years of age then you should be able to drink beer once in a while.

After the age of 65 you must take two eye exams and one drivers test a year in order to operate a vehicle.

Health insurance companies will be denied their profits each quarter due to "pre-existing conditions". The pre-existing condition is that they suck and upon appeal we will make them wait six months before we even tell them what our final decision is. We will lower their profits and blame the doctors for it.

Prices for medical procedures will be listed at the front desk. The costs will be uniform with every other medical practice and hospital in the country. We will call this a "fixed medical cost" system and as silly as it may sound it just may help cap skyrocketing health insurance costs.

Taxes schmaxes. Pay them if you want to. Don't if you don't. Doesn't matter we'll overspend it and just tax you some more. Tax Apathy...it's a beautiful thing.

The Yankees will be banished to the NHL where they will defeat the St. Louis Blues in the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs when hockey returns in 2008.

Fantasy sports and personal email will be encouraged at the office. Suddenly work will be the thing to do when the boss isn't looking. National productivity and workplace serenity will rise.

All fast food and eating establishments will be required to accept credit and debit cards because it's just not smart business not to.

Stopfcc.org

So vote for me on Election Day because I'm delicious!

Until then Kill Your T.V. because it's just political ads and reality tele-garbage right now anyway.