Kill Your T.V.

by Jason Parker

Hi I'm a 25 year-old retired radio personality. "Retired" has a certain ring to it doesn't it? I did it 40 years early. Retired that is. I bought myself a hat at a gas station. It has a cartoonish golf green and a ball bouncing into the hole and it reads RETIRED. It looks like something that the jackass from Punk'd on MTV is going to wear when he's 60. But he's got Demi Moore calling him "daddy" every night so that's cool. I will wear my retired hat proudly as I watch Ashton grin at the screen while thoughts of Bruce Willis' naked ex-wife dance through his head.

Personally I hate golf and unfortunately many people look down on me for saying that. But honestly, nothing is worse for a hangover than flipping through cable and getting 4 different channels carrying people walking around a backyard knocking a ball into a hole. But since I'm retired now I gotta learn that kind of stuff. I suppose I'll have to get a set of clubs and play a round of golf three times a week, because this is what all retired people should do. If I don't then all my cronies will poke fun at me, Lord knows that after years of dealing with peer pressure I should have learned how to ignore it. I will wear earth-toned polo shirts.

Retiring is tiring. All this sitting around and waiting is beginning to exhaust me. What am I waiting for? I don't know, but I'm waiting and it's sure not full of as much excitement as I thought. Sometimes thoughts of Bruce Willis' naked ex-wife dance through my head and that is when retirement gets exciting. I'm gonna cash out my 401k and get an RV. I hear after you retire you're supposed to get and RV and drive around the country and visit your grandkids and stuff. Arizona looks nice. Along the way at another gas station I'll pick up a shirt that says Worlds Greatest Granddad. I'll wear it with my retired hat for a classic retired outfit. I'll wear socks with sandals because I can. Maybe even brown dress socks just to piss people off.

Now that I'm retired I think I'll claim all lanes of the road as my own. I'll back out into traffic because I'm retired and I can do that. Retiring means I'll be taking two parking spots. I think I'll call the newspaper and complain about something every week. I'm going to make a difference that way. I might even attend city meetings and complain to the mayor about a bush that needs to be trimmed 4 blocks from my house. We all know the mayor has nothing better to do than listen to me argue and bitch and complain until he personally has to vow to trim it.

Since I'm retired, I'm going to make commuting, dining, or shopping on Wednesdays complete chaos for anyone under the age of 60. I will drive 10 miles an hour while I squint through an eyeglass prescription from 1987. I will crap my pants whenever I feel like it. I will pass gas in public places because I can. I'm retired now so deal with it.

Retirement means that even though I've lived in the Midwest my whole life, the weather will now be too hot, too cold, too sunny, too rainy, too cloudy, too dry, too humid, or too snowy. All smells will make me sick. My computer will become foreign to me. I don't like gadgets anymore. It's all too complicated.

Why did I retire at 25? Freedom, baby. I'm retired now. I can do what I want.