Guest commentary - The Technicalities of Infidelity

Let us begin with a hypothetical question, which-on its surface-may seem to have a straightforward, obvious, undeniable answer. However, this question raises a larger point about everything we pretend to understand about relationships, and particularly what we assume we understand about monogamy (and when infidelity technically begins). So while your answer to this question might seem univocal, the criteria you use to reach that conclusion are generally more important than the answer itself. Basically, what you say doesn't matter as much as why you choose to say it.

The question is the "Jack and Jane Hypothetical": Let's say you have two friends named Jack and Jane. They have been romantically involved for two years, and the relationship has always been good. Then one day Jack calls you and sadly mutters, "Jane just broke up with me."

"What? Why?" you ask. "Janes believes I've cheated on her," Jack tells you.

You ask Jack if he did cheat. "I'm not sure. Something strange happened," Jacks says.

This is what Jack proceeds to tell you: "There is this woman in the duplex next to mine and Jane's who I barely know. I've seen her in her yard a few times, and we've just sort of nodded our hellos. She is very normal looking, neither unattractive nor attractive. Last week, I came home from the bar after a few drinks, and I ran into her while I was getting my mail. She was mighty drunk, though. So just to be neighborly, we decided to go to her duplex to have one more beer. But because we were intoxicated, the conversation was very loose and slightly flirtatious. And then she suddenly tells me that she wants to look up Internet porn. This struck me as odd and a bit interesting, so I looked over her shoulder as she surfed porn sites. I never touched her and I never kissed her, but I ended up looking at porn with this woman for over an hour. And then I went home and went to bed. I told Jane about this a few days later, mostly because it was all so weird. But Jane went insane, and she angrily said our relationship was over. Now she won't even return my calls."

So, whose side do you take, Jack's or Jane's?

I have posed this question to myriad people, and their reactions fall into two broad categories. Women almost always think Jane's rage is completely valid; men typically inquire about the availability of housing in Jack's hypothetical neighborhood. Women usually agree that this offense warrants a breakup, while most men think it merely deserves tenure in the doghouse. But what's noteworthy is that while almost no one disputes that Jack did something wrong, everyone uses a slightly different, weirdly personal argument to explain what makes it so bad.

The scenario raises so many other questions. For example, how different is this situation from getting a lap dance? Is this situation better or worse than if Jack had drunkenly kissed his neighbor? Would it make any difference if the neighbor had been a lesbian? Many people I've posed the question to point to the "intimacy" of the exchange. But if that's the case, the conversation preceding the episode seems as troublesome as the event itself. And if Jack honestly saw this encounter as "weird" (as opposed to "erotic"), shouldn't he be forgiven completely? Isn't he just being penalized for being curious? This is why the "Jack and Jane Hypothetical" is such a vexing scenario. The question really isn't "Whose side do you take?" The true question is "When, exactly, does cheating begin?"

In the year 1900, the average life expectancy was forty-seven years; Today, it is seventy-seven years. According to some "sexperts," monogamy just can't compete with the modern life span; these sexperts believe we simply live too long to realistically anticipate staying with any one individual for our entire adult lives. And perhaps this is true. Maybe it would be easier to remain faithful to your girlfriend if you both assumed you'd get typhoid before turning fifty.

Where this argument ultimately leads is that it's mathematically unreasonable to be monogamous. And that, in my thinking, is probably when cheating begins. It's not about physical contact or emotional intimacy; it begins the moment anyone decides that it's unreasonable to be sexually committed to one person. Once a person comes to that conclusion, it doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do. If she is a reasonable person you have to assume that the only reason she's not sleeping with other people is because a) she can't find anyone else to sleep with, or b) she's afraid she'll get caught. Without question, these are the two main hurdles that stop people from cheating.

I recall drinking with my friend Ben who was in the early stages of dating an absolutely gorgeous teacher. She was a hardworking brunette who loved to throw back tequila shots, dance to Trick Daddy, sing Sinatra, and bake cookies on the weekend. We agreed that she was as close to ideal as ideal gets. Yet my friend was certain that this relationship was never going to work out, and I couldn't understand why. "What singular quality would this woman need to make this relationship a success?" I asked. "The ability to be nine other women," Ben answered immediately.

This struck me as inmeasuraby self-aware. My friend just didn't think it was reasonable to stay with any one person, regardless of her merit. When people cheat, it has almost nothing to do with who they're with or who they potentially want; it just has to do with whether they view monogamy as a realistic way to exist. What's more, people are amazingly flexible about this. It is easy to be ethical when you're single, but it's much harder when you are not.

When I was in my mid-twenties, I figured something out: Let's say you meet a hot single woman who is actively dating lots of guys. In order to win her affection, you have to be more desirable than every other single guy in your community. It's you against everybody. However, let's say you meet a hot woman who is dating some dude named Jeff. This situation is way, way easier. Now you merely have to be more desirable than Jeff. However, you are not convincing these women to like you; you've merely convinced them that staying faithful to Jeff is unreasonable. It's not seduction in any real context. You are simply eroding their morality.

Here is the bottom line: Motivation is everything. Wanting to cheat on someone but failing is no different from actually cheating, and the reason something happens is far more important than the action itself. This is why looking up porn with your neighbor is not necessarily a reason to lose your girlfriend, particularly if you were drunk and merely trying to get your mail. And if you disagree with this, you're just being unreasonable.