Everybody's a critic: 'The New World'

One star (out of four)

"My friend Meredith's mom said you can get head lice from movie theater seats. She always brought beach towels to cover them. Hm. Hope I'm not getting lice right now."

These aren't the thoughts one should have while watching an epic film about American history. But sadly, the only thing epic about "The New World" is its length. I had time to think about what we were going to have for dinner and papers I needed to grade, too.

Though I am only Disney-familiar with the story of Pocahontas, I didn't expect singing about "The Colors of the Wind." Yet some dialogue would have been nice. Fabulous actors (including incredibly beautiful newcomer Q'Orianka Kilcher) are wasted in a muddle of artistic nature shots and breathless, muttered voice-overs. There is a good story here about the way we acquired our land, about acceptance, about love É but it's lost in "The New World."

-- Brooke Clubbs, professor

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Zero stars (out of four)

Too much artistic nonsense clutters "The New World."

Director Terrence Malick devotes equal screen time to the characters and their surroundings. Lingering shots of trees and tall grass meditate on the beauty of the pristine Virginia landscape. Ah, the director's showing us the beautiful calm before greedy Europeans come to plunder.

Wait, there's Pocahontas again. Maybe we're going to find out something new about her?

No, she's just prancing happily through the fields again.

Now here's John Smith. Thanks to Disney and junior high history, I know that these two will fall in love. Perhaps a beautiful romance will unfold!

No, they're just exchanging wistful glances again. The film trudges along for two-and-a-half excruciating hours (with perhaps a half-hour's worth of dialogue sprinkled in) before delivering its astonishingly unsatisfying conclusion. The depiction of Jamestown and the Native Americans is satisfying for the History Channel nerd lurking inside us all, but this is ultimately not a worthwhile movie-going experience.

-- Bob Clubbs, drama teacher