Debut Deux! Gourmet or Faux Gourmet?

"Boo!", let me throw out some useful trivia:

1. Pick up a dictionary.

2. Open it to virtually any page.

3. Look at the guidewords at the top.

4. You've just named your alternative rock band's new album.

(Ex. "falsity fare", "quarter day quest", "sulky sunfish", or "assault and battery assortment")

I found that much too priceless to keep a secret...and Peggy, I told you I would do it.

Okay, the honeymoon's over! Let's get down to the nitty-gritty. I'm both fascinated and haunted by the perception of "gourmet coffee" by the public. What is a gourmet coffee? Does it come in a little supermarket can advertised by estranged housewives remembering Jean-Luc? Is it somehow chemically brewed in a fluorescent-lit "cappuccino" dispenser? Or is it something altogether else? -An idea or set of conditions, rather that a lone product?

Since everyone knows the simple device of rhetorical questioning, I'll just let leave the answer to you. I like to think that it parallels the conditions for gourmet food. Examples:

* Lean Cuisine of any type is not gourmet.

* Fazoli's lasagna is not gourmet.

* Mollie's nightly seafood feature is gourmet.

In this light, it's easy to see why what goes into each item and how those ingredients are prepared determines its "gourmet status". This status is isolated from whether or not the consumer likes the given product-TV dinners are great for certain occasions, I personally love Fazoli's lasagna, and Mollie's dinner features are magnífico. The status is not even determined wholly by the ingredients -all three of those examples might perhaps share a similar grade pasta or meat.

The devil, my friends, is in the details. While top-notch ingredients and presentation are necessary for gourmet status, they are not sufficient. Similarly, skilled preparation is necessary but not quite sufficient. One must have the painstaking combination of all three to have sufficient grounds for gourmet status.

Coffee is literally the same way. A can of flavored coffee in a dumb little tin at the supermarket has little chance* of turning into a gourmet cup of coffee, similar to the chances that a TV dinner can turn into a gourmet entrée. The cappuccino machine at the convenience store is not likely capable of gourmet coffee production, any more than the fast-food fry vat is capable of serving up a gourmet fish dish.

Gourmet coffee simply requires work. Other than going to your local café and purchasing the services and products of an experienced barista, there is no shortcut to high-caliber coffee beverages. Please note: I'm not saying that a person cannot prepare a gourmet coffee at home or even at work; it just requires that aforementioned work and some top-notch ingredients.

What work? What ingredients?

I'm so glad you asked that! [Infomercial host says, with a gleaming smile.]

It's always a good idea to start with the freshest, most properly roasted, highest-grade coffee beans that you can afford or find. The quality you start with is the highest quality that you are going to be able to finish with. In other words, don't start off poorly; it can only get worse.

I recommend that you grind your coffee yourself, unless you have a blade-type grinder. You can identify this type by whether or not it has a little propeller blade in its grinding basin-propeller bad! Blade grinders are severely inferior because it is next to impossible to get a consistent grind and the re-circulation of the coffee grinds into the blade builds excessive heat-a major enemy of coffee beans. You'll be better off in this case having your whole beans ground while you wait at the quality coffee retailer you are purchasing the beans from. Just don't succumb to buying the coffee bagged pre-ground! That's one of those bad, bad shortcuts that will diminish the enjoyment of your coffee considerably.*

Next you need to prepare your freshly ground coffee immediately and properly. I recommend that you use at least two ounces, or roughly 3/4 cup, of coffee for a standard 8-10 cup coffee brewer. Using less increases the possibility of over-brewing -the condition in which the "good" flavor is entirely extracted and then the additional brewing releases the "bad", bitter compounds left in the grind. Rather than shorting the amount of grounds used, strong coffee is best weakened by adding hot water to the finished product.

Also, try to obtain a coffee brewer that "speed pours". If it takes more than 3-4 minutes to brew a pot of coffee, then those bitter compounds will have a chance to creep into even a properly dosed pot of coffee. Speed pouring brewers keep a reserve of hot water in a tank, so that when you pour the usual cold water in, the pre-heated water can be immediately sprayed over the ground coffee in the basket. It's is the way the professional machines operate. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to have the most expensive machine on the market. My speed-pouring brewer cost around $35 bucks and I got it at Wal-Mart. There are "bad" slow-drip machines out there for five times as much. Shop wisely.

If you're attempting gourmet espresso drinks at home, then you desperately need to invest in a quality home espresso machine. Look for a label like La Pavoni (who incidentally makes an excellent, yet affordable, burr grinder, the "good" kind, that you can get a hold of for around $25-$30) or Francis Francis. They do cost more than the cheapies, but they do espresso as the name suggests, espresso! In addition, they have a much higher steam output for frothing the quantities of milk necessary for lattes, mochas, and cappuccinos.

So let's say that you have purchased the right ingredients and prepared them properly with competent equipment...what's left?

Presentation. That's the final step to experiencing gourmet coffee at home or work. Toss the ugly Tupperware cup, and pour your coffee beverage into a comfortable, pre-warmed stoneware mug. Think of it this way: the finest wine loses something in a Dixie cup.

Try it...You'll be glad you did.

(Okay, twice is approaching rip-off! status, but I just like to say it.)

(*A notable exception is the coffee, whole-bean and shockingly ground, produced by the Illy company. They have chosen canning on purpose to regulate the relative atmospheric pressure and composition to give their coffee a magnificent flavor, body, and aroma.)