"Brown Baggin' It" by Sam DeReign

At some point in time, I've sure we've all either seen or heard the commercials for Brown Bag Video, advertising their adult toys and videos produced by Satan. In fact, I believe I saw an ad for it in the local paper one day. It was in between the free kittens someone was giving away and a job offer.

If you don't know what Brown Bag Video is, let me explain it to you as a mature young adult: it's a place that sells videos and magazines of naked people doing (if you want to get technical about it) "the nasty." I believe "adult entertainment" is the phrase used these days.

I made the mistake of joking about it to my family one day.

"I want to go over there with some friends just to see what it's like; ha-ha!" I said casually during dinner recently.

"You can't go there," my mom said as she handed me the mashed potatoes, (and this is what she said...seriously) "What if someone recognizes you from being in the paper, and they write to Speak Out?!"

I began thinking about what that Speak Out comment could possibly say: "Shame on you, Sam DeReign for giving into temptation! May the Lord forgive him for his sins. By the way, kudos to the fine staff of Brown Bag Video for keeping such a clean facility and for shoveling the snow off my driveway!"

It's safe to say a fair number of people go to these places when the United States alone made $30 billion in 2000 from the adult entertainment industry. Although, it bothers me somewhat to think that selling a thousand copies of "I (expletive deleted) a (expletive deleted) Bologna Sandwich Vol. 22" helped provide new text books for the young children of Illinois.

Something about that makes me want to take a shower and read the Bible.

I guess we'd better begin getting used to it. In health class, we learned that sex has been around since Columbus discovered America and was beginning to sell on video around 1983. I say if it produces as much revenue as it does right now, more power to it.

However, you most likely won't see me at Brown Bag Video anytime soon, so don't bother setting up your hidden cameras. I don't even want to think about the embarrassment I'd feel if I ran into an old high school teacher or Dan Rather. But if that's the place you like to go to everyday, don't be ashamed.

In closing, I'd like to wish Brown Bag Video a prosperous business venture so that it may provide Illinois with lots of money and to "entertain" numerous "adults."

Oh, by the way, I do NOT recommend "I (expletive deleted) a (expletive deleted) Bologna Sandwich Vol. 22."

It all went downhill after Vol. 18.

Sam DeReign is a freshman at Southeast Missouri State University. Contact him at sdereign@semissourian.com