Book Review: 'Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most'

On the first day of my MG354 Business Negotiation: Concepts and Practice class, I tell my students that the class will literally change their lives — a bold claim usually met with lit-up eyes, curious facial expressions and palpable excitement (albeit with a touch of skepticism). By the end of the course, most of my students find this to be true, as demonstrated by a paradigm shift in their thinking and a noticeable improvement in their negotiation skills. Always a student at heart, I turn to resources to help facilitate my own learning, as well as cultivate the amazing young minds in my classroom.

One of my favorite books I have ever read and love to share with people is “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project.

Originally published in 1999, the book has since been fully updated and revised as a 10th anniversary edition and most recently as a third edition released in 2023. A practical and user-friendly guide for handling challenging discussions, “Difficult Conversations” breaks down three different types of talks: “What happened,” “Feelings” and “Identity.” The authors encourage readers to consider a mindset shift rather than seeing these trying discussions as problems.

Incredibly optimistic in its tone, “Difficult Conversations” offers a variety of steps, strategies and examples for reframing tough discussions into learning conversations, while attempting to keep one’s balance. Their philosophy inspires readers to approach challenging situations with curiosity, transforming potential stressors into chances for understanding and connection.

The authors acknowledge that it is immeasurably difficult to do this, but they cheer the reader on every step of the way. They also provide a top 10 list of questions people may ask about conversations dealing with bullying, lying, mental health issues, cultural considerations and conversations that are not face-to-face, among other significant topics.

Recently, I had one of the most difficult conversations I have experienced in a long time. I tried to channel my insights not only as a professor who teaches negotiation, but also as a person with a multitude of emotions and a giant heart. I leaned into the authors’ words of advice, noting that indeed, “there is no such thing as a diplomatic hand grenade.” Even so, it hurt. Conversations like that really sting and have long lasting impacts.

That said, coming out on the other end filled with light, love and peace was an outcome that likely would not have been possible without consulting their words of wisdom. Thus, whether you are navigating a complicated work or family situation, figuring out a breakup or separation, or simply expressing something that’s been on your heart for some time, “Difficult Conversations” will assist you with friendly guidance and tactical objectives.

On a personal note, I met Sheila Heen, one of the authors, at the Washington University in St. Louis Women’s Leadership Forum in 2012. I loved her energy right away. The discussions we had during her session felt very much like the mood of the book: caring, wise and reassuring. It’s like a close sibling, friend or relative who checks you, but with all the kindness of someone who wants you to be the best version of yourself.

Participants in the forum were given a copy of “Difficult Conversations” as part of the program, and she took the time to write a personal note to each of us in our signed copies. Her message to me was, “For Erin - with the very best wishes for all of your conversations!” I devoured the book right away and return to it often with its dog-eared and highlighted pages as a reminder that, just like I tell my students, we can all make good choices (or at least do our best at attempting this).

Thus, I welcome you to check out “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most”, and I extend my best wishes for all of your conversations, too!

Dr. Erin Rae Fluegge is a professor of management in the Harrison College of Business and Computing at Southeast Missouri State University. She is also a member of the Cape Girardeau Area Chamber of Commerce, alumna of Leadership Cape and Leadership Missouri, president of the North American Management Society and chair of Faculty Senate at Southeast.