In order to make sure that students and staff are wearing clothes from the approved color pallette this coming year, the Cape Girardeau School Board has approved purchasing walk-thru colorimeters for all schools in the district at a cost of $16 million.
"We felt it had to be done," said Wes T. O'Muny, District Coordinator for Dress Code Enforcement. "Color is far too subjective. What one person sees as brown, another thinks is a grayish taupe and a third believes it is medium nutty cocoa with just a dash of cinnamon. Which is right? That's the problem with trying to implement dress codes. These scanners will take away all the guess work."
The colorimeters, which resemble the walk-thru metal detectors commonly found at airports, are being purchased for the primary entrances to each of the schools with plans to purchase more for the secondary entryways in subsequent school years.
"We want to make sure that the dress code is being applied equitably and that the janitors and lunch ladies all conform to the approved attire," O'Muny said.
After considerable debate over what colors students and staff will be allowed to wear to school, the board settled on the PANTONE GG1504 Plus Series and the Designer Expressions Fan Deck from Sherwin-Williams.
In related news, the school board also authorized firing all teachers in the district to help pay for the dress code scanners.
"Teachers are rather irrelevant," O'Muny said. "With the success of the 1:1 computer initiative who actually needs them? The students have a computer and Google. They should be able to teach themselves. That's what I do. If I need something, I just Google it. That's where I found the colorimeters the district is buying. I discovered a Nigerian prince had bought too many of them and is selling his extras to us for a song."
If you have read this far and you're crackin' your knuckles getting ready to write a letter to the editor complaining that the Cape Girardeau School Board is a bunch of numbskulls, just stop. This story is completely false. Bull. Malarkey. Hokum. In short, I made it up.
After reading a recent article where one school board member expounded on the sartorial benefits of the color "gray", I decided that this matter was teetering on the edge of ridiculousness and was worthy of a little push.