Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board. He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and two cats that don't really care for one another in Cape.

What To Do With Chickens Gone Wild

Posted Friday, November 12, 2010, at 12:00 AM

I was channel surfing the other evening and settled on "Dirty Jobs" with Mike Rowe on the Discovery Channel. One of the dirty jobs Mr. Rowe was doing in this episode was catching wild chickens in Miami.

Apparently, wild chickens are a huge problem in that city forcing the locals to form a volunteer task force that attempts to catch as many as they can. Their success rate is a pretty poultry 30%.

I missed the beginning of the episode, so I'm not sure where all these chickens originally came from. Maybe they escaped from the flocks belonging to existing Urban Chicken Ranchers. Or perhaps these rogue chickens fled Cuba on inner tubes seeking political asylum in The Sunshine State. I just don't know.

But based on this TV program, Miami has a heckuva wild chicken problem.

Which, of course, got me thinking about the proposed chicken ordinance that is before the Cape Girardeau City Council. A what-if scenario immediately came to mind.

Let's assume a majority of the City Council passes the ordinance and residents are therefore free to go to Bucheit's in Jackson and buy 10 of those cute little chickies they sell in the middle of the store.

Sadly, those cute little chickies don't stay cute and little for very long. The Cape residents who succumb to their cuteness and their littleness might start feeling that being an Urban Chicken Rancher is just not their thing after their flock has gotten a lot less cute and whole lot bigger.

But what do you do with the flock of chicken you adopted on the pretense of having fresh eggs on a daily basis, but now no longer want?

Well, you could eat them, but that would be hard for a lot of people who got them when they were little and cute and probably gave them names. It's tough to chop the head off a chicken when you know her name is Phyllis.

Besides, slaughtering chickens is specifically prohibited in the proposed city ordinance that the City Council is still contemplating.

Or the folks who no longer want their chickens could just "accidentally" -- wink, wink, nudge, nudge -- leave the door to their chicken corral open and let the birdies wander out into the wilds of the city to fend for themselves.

After all, how would anyone know it was his or hers chickens?

It's not like the city is requiring the birds to have collars or be embedded with those electronic tracking chips so a nuisance officer can positively identify that the Rhode Island Red squawking on your front stoop actually belongs to a neighbor three blocks away.

No, since there will be no way to identify who actually owns these grown up chickens, abandonment will be the easy way out for people not cut out for the chicken rancher way of life.

Which could result in Cape looking like the streets of Miami where gangs of chickens patrol the alleyways feasting on trash and terrorizing the neighborhoods with a buck-buck here and a cock-a-doodle-do there.

I suppose the City of Cape Girardeau could assemble its own chicken task force to track down these chickens gone wild but that seems like a lot of work.

Maybe these rogue chickens would take the hint if we left a pile of inner tubes down by the Mississippi with directions to Southern Illinois.

(Photo)

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I was opposed to the "chicken ranching" ordinance, but you have changed my mind Brad. This new venture could create a significant economic lift in this time of poor economy. Roaming bands of chickens would require a huge increase in animal control officers - creating jobs for our economy. Of course, those officers would need the latest in chicken nets, chicken cages, and of course chicken tranquilizer guns. Lest your chicken escape and not be found, veterinarians could start offering I.D. chip implants. Chicken collars, leases and chicken I.D. tags would be the rage in stores. Chicken chew toys (maybe peck toys?), chicken beds, chicken bath shampoo, feather conditioner, chicken treats....just imagine. What a boon to our retail establishments. Abandoned chickens could be sent to to SPCA shelters and adopted, created an entire new industry. And just think of need for chicken obedience trainers! Career and Technology Center could offer courses leading to certification as a "certified poultry obedience trainer." Chicken boarding facilities for when you go on vacation. Brad, we are facing a huge upswing in our economy. I hope we are equipped to handle it.

-- Posted by ParkerDaws on Fri, Nov 12, 2010, at 6:42 AM
To seriously address your concern... In general, chickens don't tend to live very long. Microchips would be a waste of money. There is no reason why an owner couldn't invest in leg bands for their hens. PLEASE keep in mind that if you are not allowing roosters in your city, then the eggs will not be fertilized, and of course, will not hatch. No random chickens. Even if someone in your town lets their chickens out, most of them will not survive on their own. They will be eaten by predators. If the water sources are frozen over, they will die quite quickly. It would take a lot of effort to allow your city to be overrun with loose chickens. Probably not a concern. (Which is why so many cities are changing their ordiances to allow urban hen keeping these days...) Nice graphic, by the way!

-- Posted by cojchickens on Fri, Nov 12, 2010, at 7:55 AM
Parker, don't forget the 1 cubic foot measuring boxes that let the Urban Chicken Ranchers know how much chicken poo is too much chicken poo as allowed by the city (maximum of 3 cubic feet at a residence at any one time). Those will add to the windfall.

I wonder if we could also have a city-wide chicken hunting season, for those who don't particularly care for the taste of deer. I'd be first in line to get a tree stand if that were the case.

Coj, the chickens we had when I was growing up tended to live 7 to 10 years or until one of them ticked us off and mom served it with dumplings. I think they were banded.

Personally, I think this whole chicken ordinance thing is a conspiracy, being covertly funded by the Dirt Cheap Chicken to bring more of his kind to Cape Girardeau. Or at least that is my theory.

Thanks for reading.

-- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Fri, Nov 12, 2010, at 8:37 AM
Maybe an investment in a really good air rifle would not be unwarranted.

Choose up sides and declare war on chickens!

-- Posted by voyager on Fri, Nov 12, 2010, at 9:47 AM
Rick - heheh - the Miami Chickens.

That reminded me of back when the Chicago Cubs were rumored to be relocating to Manila, Phillipines as part of major league baseball's desire and efforts to go global, to have a true world baseball league.

The plans were in place to change the team name to signify the move, but also to brand a name that would honor and link to the team's rich history.

Guessin' it's a good thing that the Manila Folders never came to pass. :-)~

-- Posted by fxpwt on Fri, Nov 12, 2010, at 5:27 PM
Roosters -- the main problem with urban chickens.

They crow at all hours. City dwellers just don't like the sound. But I love it!! I love chickens!!

Egg production and fast meat. No sentiments with me for a Sunday dinner. My first job at 7 yrs old was egg gathering -- at 4:15 p.m. -- parental decree.

-- Posted by HFChapel on Fri, Nov 12, 2010, at 10:34 PM
Once the predators start circling the neighborhoods for fresh chicken kill, residents will begin to realize why this is a bad idea. Coyotes, weasels, raccoons, opossums, snakes, mice and numerous other creatures will be looming around waiting for the opportunity- never mind the poor cat or dog that just happened to be easier prey. There are plenty of places to buy farm fresh eggs without the bother of keeping your own chickens. These other Urban areas which allow chickens are not going to have this problem. I don't think Miami has a coyote problem... there is nothing worse than going out to get your fresh eggs and finding your hens missing their heads, blood drained and feathers everywhere. They are like pets and become very tame- if this is what you desire in life, then I suggest a move to the country.

-- Posted by sillymom on Sat, Nov 13, 2010, at 10:30 AM

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