The Never-Ending War

The war is back on.

I've been waging it for 16 years and there is no end in sight. This war is my Iraq, my Afghanistan. I have no exit strategy. There is just an enemy that can't seem to be killed. All I can do is keep it at bay.

During the winter the enemy is usually quiet. But when the spring rains trickle off leaving behind the humidity and heat that is Southeast Missouri in the summer, the enemy attacks, and attacks hard.

The enemy is a vine.

But it is not just any old vine. It is The Vine and I am convinced that it can't be killed.

The Vine typically appears in May, popping up in the various flowerbeds around my house. Sometimes it will even show up in the middle of my zoysia turf. Trying to dig it up is pointless. The Vine tends to snap off just inches below the surface and like a dandelion, it re-appears a week later in the same place.

Chemicals don't seem to faze The Vine. Round-Up will kill everything around The Vine, but The Vine itself doesn't even wilt. Even Triox -- the weed killer for those wishing to pursue a "scorched-earth" policy of weed management -- doesn't affect it.

I'm not sure where The Vine came from. I think it is some kind of mutant hybrid that probably originated at the house next to ours. Mrs. Brentlinger lived there for almost 70 years and had an affinity for aggressive and invasive plants. English ivy. Mint. Honeysuckle. Yucca. Wisteria. Somehow they all coexisted in her yard, each with their own little fiefdom.

My wife and I bought her house about 10 years ago and we've gradually tamed and contained her landscaping.

The mint got dug up and the planting bed covered over with pavers. I corralled the English ivy with a stair-stepping wooden wall that follows the slope of the yard. The honeysuckle eventually succumbed to repeated hacking and multiple applications of Round-Up. We've learned that the wisteria needs a vicious haircut at least twice a year. But apparently the yucca plants can't be killed. I have tried, but a heavy dose of Triox only seemed to make them come back bigger.

I'm convinced that somehow the yucca and the English ivy crossbred at some point in time resulting in The Vine. It is the only reasonable explanation that could explain this weed's sheer tenacity.

It just can't be killed. It is The Terminator. If it could climb inside a Mac truck and use a stick-shift, I'm sure it would try to run me down. It knows I'm a threat and even though I have not been successful at killing it. I think I may be the only thing that stands between The Vine and Armageddon.

The war is back on, and I pray for winter to return soon.