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How The U.S. Can Save Billions For Census 2020

Occasionally, I will have a "genius moment" when I think of an idea so gosh darned brilliant that it amazes even me.

I had one of these moments earlier this week while reading the Wednesday Southeast Missourian.

I figure this Idea -- it is so brilliant that it is actually worthy of being capitalized -- will save this country several billion dollars. We could use that money right now to pay for more important things like Obamacare and desperately needed football stadiums.

Considering that I thought of this Idea, I have decided to share it with the American people for only 5% of the savings that the country will see the first time it is used. I'm not greedy. I consider it a figurer-outers fee. Actually, to be fair, I will need it split two ways -- half for me and half for Mike Jenson whose column in the Wednesday Southeast Missourian provided the spark that let my "genius moment" flare to life.

Mike's column was about the Census and how the country is projected to spend $14 billion to get this year's survey done, an increase of almost $6 billion over the last census. A lot of this money goes to hiring 650,000 temporary workers who track down all the slackers who don't bother to fill out the form that is mailed to them. On average it costs $57 for every house the census workers must go to because some dope used his form to shim up the wobbly corner of his coffee table rather than mailing it back in.

But even though we all know that slackers are just deadweights on society, this is America, and we embrace everyone no matter how big of a loser they are.

Mike made the recommendation in his column that the census form should be included in every federal assistance check that is sent out. He's assuming that a lot of the estimated 48 million households that do not return the census form are on some kind of welfare and he's probably right.

I think it is a great idea. Envelopes containing checks are always opened promptly. But Mike's idea is not perfect. There is a flaw in his suggestion.

Almost everyone opens checks promptly, but how often do you really look at the other stuff crammed into the envelope? My bet is the slackers whose moronic butts we're trying to count probably don't.

They just rip open the envelope, pull out the check, pitch the rest and run to the nearest check-cashing service they can find.

But what if the Census Bureau gave every household -- not just those on welfare -- an incentive to fill out the Census form such as five or ten dollars?

Then rather than sending a standalone form to every household, what if they printed the entire census form on the back of the check and the only way you could cash it would be to completely fill it out?

The endorsed check / survey would go right back to the Census Bureau using the country's banking system and we wouldn't have to spend billions in temporary census workers chasing down deadbeats.

I'm not one to usually toot my own horn, but I feel this Idea is just plain brilliant.

Even if the Census Bureau sends each household a $10 check / survey, this surefire program will only cost the American taxpayers a couple billion at the most. Add on a couple more billion for general overhead and the taxpayers are at least $10 billion ahead for the 2020 Census.

Well, I should say ten billion before my figurer-outers fee that should be about $250 million for me and another quarter of a billion for Mike.

I wonder if the US Treasury can pay mine in cash? Personally, I don't really trust checks.